Such late. Much letter.

We had to clean up some of the quotes. Here are the real versions and a few that were cut.

- Someone shit Christmas trees all over my hands

- Let's park by the piss bush!

- Oh holy shit I just burped it all back into my eyes!

- Are you high? Why the fuck would we have a Bert but not Ernie?

- Little bastard get the hell off my couch!

- You need to get your shit together, asshole. Appliances are not scary. Calm the fuck down.

- I read it. I read and it said, "My asshole tastes like old bacon wrapped in old newspaper. Help." then I said you DO need some help.

- That? That's a Great Blue Asshole. He's kind of a huge dick to the Swim Birds.

Merry New Year.

Fun Fact: 0.1% of people in the US are fluent in Romanian

I haven't posted in such long very inconsistent. Luckily for you, my dear readers, I have summoned a guest poster to tell his story titled, "I'll Take Roamin' Romanian for 2000, Alex."

The guest poster is Skooter. Here go.

Ten seconds or less of observation at any one of my fraternity's exec meetings, and you'll realize that competence, attention span, and forethought are spread thin throughout.  More importantly, you'll realize that only one person (myself) actually has the capacity to charitably give a flying fuck. (I do, most of the time)

So, a whole bunch of years ago (like a decade or some Greek shit word) a bunch of previous members of my fraternity purchased a domain name and have operated and maintained a website up until about a year ago.  Exactly one yearish ago, someone....dropped the fucking ball.   And it was heavy, and damaged the floor, and the vinyl needed to be replaced, and it was this whole thing.

Anyway, the person with the information to login to our GoDaddy site decided that none of that information was worth writing down, or sharing with anyone, or carving into stone tablets, or even committing to memory, or ANY OTHER FORM OF TANGIBLE OR INTANGIBLE MEDIA.  And after the year passed with no one logging into our GoDaddy, the credit card expired and we were no longer able to be charged for our domain rental.  Which we found out when our email and Google drives and everything else that used the domain as its server LEFT US HANGING.   No email.  No Google drive.  No fun.

After staring at the sun until they could see a little dark circle in their retinas, and trying to follow it to treasure for an hour and a half, one of the exec members mentioned the issue to me.  So, pulling out my handy dandy bag of fucks, I pulled yet another out to give that no one else wanted to.  And called GoDaddy.  

Now, GoDaddy was more than accomodating, and completely understood the situation.  "These things happen, we understand that." said the nice man on the other end of the line.  "You've been with us so long, this isn't a normal behavior for you as a client, so we're even going to waive the re-activation fees."  Alright, that's cool.  Won't argue with special treatment.  I gave him an updated credit card, repurchased the domain, and pat myself on the back for totally saving the day and being like a super rad dude.

Or so I thought.  But this is my life, and nothing can ever work ever.

I quickly realize our email and other server functions aren't working still, and at that moment, I log back into GoDaddy to be all "What's going on, eh?".  I nearly rocket-thrust shit myself through the ceiling of the room and into the upper floor when I realized that the salesman had sold me a .com, instead of the .org that we had been using.  So everything was still broken like it was Y2fuckingK.

I call GoDaddy back and, being certain I said ".org" requested they change the subscription after only one day.  The nice man on the other end, being just as understanding, agrees.  Then, the no longer nice man corrected himself and left me to hang with "Oh.   OOOHHH.   Uh oh....."  to which, I responded "Huh." as he explained the situation.  Because our account had made activity, and had NOT renewed the .org site, GoDaddy concluded that we must not want that domain back, and sold it to the next person on the waiting list for it.  "We can get it back for you." offered the man of varying niceties, depending on the minute.  "....Yea, do that." I replied, with just the slightest bit of vinegar.  "There's no guarantee,"  OK.  "And we take a small percent of the purchase price." OK.  "And the starting rate is $90 to attempt."  Oh,  kindly step back, because you don't know me like that.  I can yell and scream for WAY less than $90.  

So I run a whois.com search, and find out who bought our domain.  We'll call him CAL.  CAL owns over 42,000 websites, I came to find out, as I stalked him like a high school freshman girl looking at the totes adorbs boy that sits next to her in English 101 and is the starting quarterback and sooooooooooo cute.

Fuck.  He owns 42,000 sites,  Which means either A) He uses them for work and needs them or B) He buys and sells them for profit.  Neither of those are in my favor to get this domain back relatively quickly or cheaply.  Oh, and the little tiny bird that is point C) HE LIVES IN ROMANIA.  AND BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH.

I decided calling and essentially saying "I'm an American frat boy, I need my website back" was probably a bad way to go about this.  I then decided having someone call, in Romanian, and explain that the domain belonged to a non-profit for the past decade, and we can't afford to setup the system again on a new server (which is all technically true) he might be a little more accommodating. 

BEGIN WIKI "ROMANIA"

Ok, so very few people speak Romanian, no one learns it for fun, and no other language is close.  I found a single teacher at my university, conveniently known as incredibly bitchy, who was fluent.

Fuck.

So I ran downstairs to the kid in my fraternity that moved from Poland, and we had the following exchange:

Me: "Do you speak Romanian?"
Him: "I speak Polish."
Me: "Do you speak Romanian?"
Him: "I speak Polish."
Me: "CAN YOU FUCKING FAKE ROMANIAN?"
Him: "No, it doesn't work like that.  It's a romantic language, and the closest thing is Hungarian.  And no, I can't fake Hungarian."

Double fuck.

My pledge son, from this point on SON, was also in the room watching my brain try to figure out the fastest way to end its own existence.   He laughed appropriately at my futile attempts to yell someone into fluency of a language I couldn't even write.

I sat down on his couch, and contemplated if the fall from the roof (head first of course) would be enough to kill me the first time, or if I'd need to climb up twice.

*Enter pledges for an independent reason*

Pledge 1: "Where's-"
SON: "SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU SPEAK ROMANIAN?"
Pledge 2: "No."
Pledge 1: "I was born there.  I'm fluent."
Me: "ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME,   ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS.  I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SPEAK THE LANGUAGE I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU WITH SOMETHING VERY VERY VERY DULL AND RUSTY."
Pledge 1: "Nah, I'm actually fluent."

In the heat of it all, I realized I was holding the kids collar and possibly raising my voice a bit, and maybe I'm too close to his face.  I back up, calm myself, and explain the situation.

Pledge 1: "So I have to call Romania, and tell this guy stuff, and we're buying our website back?"
Me: "Exactly.  I'll buy you pizza.  Romanian speakers are hard to come by apparently."
Pledge 1: "Fuck it, let's do it."

After setting up Google voice, this kid sits down and turns into the Romanian equivalent of Barry Manilow, smooth talking CAL like he was working his way into the bedroom.

After two days to think about it, Pledge 1 was able to haggle CAL down from $500 to $90, because Romanian Barry Manilow don't pay more than the love is worth.

The kid ROCKED it.  We got our website and server functions back, I bought pizza for the team of international businessmen (because that's totally what it was, and I'm putting it on me resume), and the day was saved.


Out-of-Context Quotes From Just Errywhere

"Dude, I'm so into this gun thing."

"I have learned the hard way that the black rock holds down the poopies."

My fingers are finging

Three-ish weeks ago, I was asked to accompany for my coworker's daughter's wedding. I was honored when she called me; I have never been asked to play for a wedding before and have only really played a few songs here and there for graduations and school masses. It was pretty last minute, as the girls who were going to sing asked for an accompanist three weeks before the big day. I said I would love to do it as long as I got the music well in advance so I could learn the few songs and be ready to rock. The ceremony was going to be at Al's so it was somewhere I'm totally comfortable and have a pretty decent track record. She said it was just a wedding ceremony and not a full Mass, so it wouldn't be too long and it would be less work for me because I wouldn't need to learn any of the Communion prep, consecration stuff, and deal with a Communion song or two. My impression at the time was that I just needed to learn three, maybe four songs in three weeks.

Boy was I wrong.

I can't sight read, but I can teach myself almost anything as long as I have a few weeks to do it. I wasn't worried at the time as I thought I had three weeks.

I didn't get the music until a week before the wedding. I also received music for eight songs.

Eight.

I can do a lot of things. As Nick would tell me, not only can I do a lot of things but I even know so many things. But learning eight things in a week seemed like something I couldn't accomplish even with a glass of wine and mandatory constant moral support from Abby. That's more than one song a day! Two of those days I'm going to be in DBQ for the surprise party! (Sidebar we had a surprise 75th birthday party for my grandmother but don't worry we didn't pop out and yell or anything like that.) I decided to look through the songs before I went into full-blown freakout mode because hey, I bet I already know some of these. People tend to pick popular, well-known pretty songs for weddings, right? RIGHT?!

The bride requested some songs to do as preludes before the ceremony that were churchy but not exactly from my handy dandy Gather book. I almost crapped my pants as I read through the list. Of the eight songs, I knew how to play one. And I knew it thirteen years ago so that barely counts. I knew what seven of the eight songs sounded like but had only ever played one.

I looked at the Flower Duet. Oh hell no I can NOT learn this in a week much less learn seven other songs at the same time. BZZZT.

I looked at The Prayer. I decided I would be using my version instead of the one she sent me. Luckily, they were in the same key and mine was just easier. I had plunked my way through The Prayer a few times in my life but had never played it with singers and have certainly never played it all the way through without swearing and starting over.

I looked at the Ave Maria. Yes, that Ave Maria. Son of a bitch I've never played this and it's chordy and everyone knows this so I have to do it right and probably not just wing it...

I looked at A Blessing of Music. What is this? I don't think I've ever heard this but it looks easy. This should be fine.

I looked at the Celtic Alleluia. Classic. Also imperative that I don't screw this one up because everyone knows it. Except Molly.

I looked at Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee. Ode to Joy. Doable. Done. Too bad I forgot about it until the Thursday before and suddenly remembered that I had to learn it.

Canon in D. Oh yes, the instrumental for the processional. Which means I needed to nail it because there's no singing and also EVERYONE IS WALKING IN.

I had to pull Canon in D from the depths of my mind. It was so far back in there I passed Fur Elise, cheerleading routines, and all the harmony from choir. The last time I played Canon in D was for the talent show when I was in 4th grade. It was a simplified version that didn't sound too simplified so it totally worked.

I practiced like crazy for the week. I had the Ave Maria on constant repeat in my head. I listened to dozens of different versions of Canon in D and decided it would be more work to unlearn my version to learn the real version and just kind of stopped looking at the music and played it by feel. I met up with the girls on Friday before the rehearsal dinner so we could run through the songs together as we had never met and I knew I was going to need all the practice I could get before the big day. Thankfully, they are beautifully amazing singers who could totally hold their own and I didn't need to really play the melody for almost anything. We decided to start with A Blessing of Music because it was the one we were both least familiar with. I kind of learned it but not really which ended up working out because the girls also kind of learned it but not really so we decided to just scrap it. Amen.

Unfortunately, Saturday afternoon happened and it was go time. We were supposed to play the preludes starting around 2:00 and the ceremony was scheduled to start at 2:30.

This is where the story gets even more ridiculous.

The priest is late. Super late. We're not even sure where he is and if he knows he's supposed to do this wedding kind of late.

While we were waiting for the priest, the girls and I were asked to just keep the music going. We ended up doing the Ave Maria three separate times, The Prayer twice, and the Flower Duet twice. I also played random songs from the Gather book that I knew because what else am I going to play in a church? I played five or six songs and made sure to play many, many verses of each. All five verses of Blest are They? Sure! Playing I am the Bread of Life long enough to get into the Spanish verses? Of course! We had an undetermined amount of time to kill so I just went balls to the wall with the Bible Jamz.

Let me give you a quick rundown of Bible Jamz. When we were still at IWU, sometimes I would have to go play random songs just because. Because I only teach myself the prettiest songs, Kristen started coming with me when I went to Presser and would read, study, or just listen as I played everything I could think of. I lugged my big accompaniment books and we started calling it Bible Jamz.

I basically did Bible Jamz for a hundred people. It was great.

The priest who was supposed to do the ceremony never showed up. More than half an hour after the wedding was supposed to start, someone ran over to the rectory to see if anyone was there. Luckily, another priest who lives in the rectory was home and agreed to do the ceremony right then and there.

Suddenly, it was time for Canon in D. I saw everyone lining up at the doors to process in and started to play.

I don't think I have ever witnessed a procession that moved at such a glacial pace. I soon realized that I was going to have to add to Canon in D to make sure I didn't run out of song before the bride even got to the aisle, much less down it.

I had to improv. I can't improv. But I had to. I just had to keep playing. Did I mention that I realized that having the music for the real Canon in D only screwed me up so I opted to play from memory? If you know me, you know that I can not play a single thing from memory. Not a thing. But I turned this into a thing.

I could not ever replicate the version of Canon I played as it was a one-time-only Molly original. I was drawing on George Winston, my simplified version from 2001, and straight up feels. I think I'm going to call is Hot Mess in D. I'm glad Canon is such an easy song to just keep adding to because otherwise this story would not have had such a happy ending.

Thankfully, the rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch. I made it through all the songs, I didn't noticeably screw anything up, and I remembered to put my shoes back on before I walked away from the piano at the end.

I don't think I can ever listen to Ave Maria again without twitching a little bit. Maybe I'll take a short break from playing...probably not though.

Merry Christmas, Here's a Letter

Page 1

Page 2

Profane Quotes That Didn't Make It

- Someone shit Christmas trees all over my hands.

- Let's park by the piss bush.

- Currently winning. Suck it.

- You're so full of shit. Shut up and lay down. You don't have to poop, damn it.

- Son offa bitch-a! Ditalini!

- You're 50. You're too old to get in bar fights.

- Say 5 because no one cares about these FUCKING BEAVERS.

- Hey guess whose ass I kicked at dinner?
  Uhh...everyone's?
  Not this time.

- Like Grace, I'm handing out lollipops and ass-kickings and I'm all out of lollipops. I've also got a full rack of letters can can spell 3 different 7-letter words. Get a mop because I'm about to kick your ass so hard your beer is gonna come shooting out your elbows.

Drink it for Science.

The Sidewalk Saga

There's this one square of sidewalk that has been slowly pushed up because of the tree roots under it. It started off as just a little bump and over time has been pushed up so far that the end closest to the tree is at least an inch higher than the other sidewalk squares around it. Of course, it's totally uneven because the roots are mostly pushing on one side so it's this sad, lopsided sidewalk piece that everyone trips over as they walk their dogs.

By everyone I mean me.

A few weeks ago, someone put some blacktop on either side of the high part. For a while, it seemed to be "fixed" because the blacktop made little ramps on either side. So now the sidewalk piece is uneven but evenly uneven because of the blacktop ramps. We kind of assumed that the Sidewalk Police (or whomever is really in charge of sidewalk maintenance) did the blacktop. It turns out, it was actually some dude who lives nearby that got sick of tripping over it and decided to fix it himself.

A few days ago, the sidewalk was painted with a bright, orange X and had a traffic horse (is that a thing?) on it. The piece magically disappeared and for a day there was a big square hole where the piece had once been. That tree has some huge roots.

Today, new cement was poured to fill in the hole. I saw that there was Cuidado Tape surrounding it so I figured it was still a little damp. Naturally, I called Nack and told him to carve something into the wet cement. I then remembered to remind him to NOT carve a dick into it and to be more creative than that. I was already on my way to Lakeshore (a magical yet dangerous place) so I didn't get to see him do his "art." He called me back and said the deed was done and I needed to wait until I came home to see it in person. He also told me a neighbor had already carved his initials into it John Hancock style and his defacement was smaller and much cuter.

I got back from Lakeshore and Starbucks (duh) and excitedly skipped over to the new sidewalk. SOMEONE HAD SCRATCHED OUT BOTH CARVINGS WITH A BROOM OR LARGE TOOTHBRUSH AND EVENED IT OUT. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE IT. I was sad and told Skooter and he told me what he carved into it and it was totes adorbs and now GONE.

It gets better.

A few hours ago, I went to take the Stupids out for a walk and we went by the now-boring slab. Now there is a white X painted on it and the word "Remove" sprayed over the X.

We don't know why.

It's very clearly new, wet cement and it's flat, even, and un-scratched. There is nothing wrong with it. Why does it have to come out again? Did someone think that the original piece never came out? There's some illegible scribbles on the grass in both orange and white spray paint. What does it mean? Is it broken? Are they going to tear it out and rotate it 180 degrees just for shits and giggles? Will Nack have time to carve something into the new sidewalk?

I will keep y'all posted on the Sidewalk Saga.

Adventure Camp Love Connections

One of my favorite stories from camp this summer is the story of how Matt was engaged and then not engaged and then had to inexplicably choose between two women and somehow ended up not having to pick anybody and then nobody talked about it ever again and some kids still think it was all real.

One of our campers was convinced Matt and Erin are "like, totally in love." Okay, sweet. The counselors decided that Matt absolutely needed to make Erin a ring. So Abster made a ring out of a piece of pink pipe cleaner and a clear bead. Matt was going to give Erin the ring until we thought it would be much funnier if he didn't. He convinced that same camper that he was too nervous to give Erin the ring and he needed the camper to give it to her for him.

She totally gave Erin the ring for him and believed that he was too nervous to do it himself. It was GREAT.

During lunch of that same day, the camper comes up to me as I'm sitting with Abster, Erin, a bunch of other kids and a few other counselors. She asks me, "Are you in love with Matt?"

I decided to make this love connection a love triangle and it escalated quickly. I solemnly answered, "Yes." Then I slapped both hands over my mouth and said, "Wait, no. No!" I made sure to look like I had just admitted my deepest, darkest secret and overacted. It worked.

The camper's eyes grew wide and she tore across the gym to tell all the other kids (and Matt) that she knows my secret. Erin and Abster were laughing so hard they were crying a little bit.

Erin and I knew that all the kids would be watching from across the gym so Erin put her head in her hands, I put my hand on her shoulder, she shook my hand off her shoulder, and I put my head on my knees. Abster continued to cry.

Erin walked over to Matt, took off the ring, threw it on the ground (like the song), and said, "YOU CHOOSE" and walked away.

Most of the kids realized it was all fake and many of them thought it was hilarious.

Some of them were convinced that I totally let it slip. Some of them thought that Matt shouldn't give up Erin that easily. One of them thought that Erin and I should arm wrestle for it.

Matt ended up not picking anybody and we pretended the whole thing never happened.

Except on the last day of camp when we played the Counselor Game and Matt and Erin won in both "Counselors that secretly hate each other" and "Counselors who are secretly totally in love" so we're not really sure what everyone thinks. I came in second for worst jokes and that's all that really matters.

This is why I shouldn't be in charge.


Out-of-Context-Quotes from All of Summer, SORRY

You hit him and nothing happened so you just sat down on the ground?

So you cleaned watches with q-tips and watch fluid? You do have a Master's degree, yes.

Okay so who's gonna burn their house down so we don't have to do CPR?

2013 Camp Quotes

There's a ghost.
How do you know?
There are plants on the roof.

Busted BUSTED!

I got fired on my first day of the jobbbbbbb!

I'm breaking up with my friends.

I got a Russian in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it show it...

I got it from the Jeweldosco.

You have mental problems.

You have to beLIEVE ME! You just have to!

You look Chinese!

I want you to hold on to your airplanes with all three hands.
What?

You suck. Let's hold hands.

Hey, sugartits. Look alive.

Bottom.

We're a f*cking tricycle, Abby.

Can I get her fired?

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE MATING!

You're full of snipple.
That's turrible.

Teachaa, can I go showaa?
No.
But whyyyyyyyy?

Queen of Farts.

Are You Just Getting BY BY BY

Yashu and I decided at the last freaking minute that we were going to do something for the Senior Gala last Saturday. I bought the sheet music on Thursday, half-assed some chords Thursday night, ran through it a couple times on Friday with Yashu (who didn't know the words yet), screamed a little bit, and then we threw our hands in the air and decided we would just wing it on Saturday and it would be "awesome."

Surprisingly, it was awesome.

The most awesome part was the part when Yashu and I were under the impression that we were going 9th and we were actually going 8th. The 7th act had just finished so I was calmly starting to get nervous. I had just taken the iPad out of my bag and set it on the table when the emcee said, "Up next we have Molly and Yashu..." I don't know what she said next because as soon as I heard our names I yelled, "OH SHIT!" and looked up at Yashu. She also yelled, "OH SHIT!" at the same time and it was totally cute. We stumbled up to the stage, held hands as we tripped up the stairs, and I sat at the piano while she walked over to the microphone. As I sat down, I realized I had no shoes on and was wearing neon green socks. Which would have been fine had I not been wearing bright pink pants. I proceeded to take off my glasses while Yashu apparently introduced us and set them on the piano. After I set them down, I realized I would most likely forget them on the piano. I proclaimed, "This is a hot mess" to the entire room as I decided to get up, walk around the piano, and hand my glasses to whomever was the closest person sitting near the stage.

The closest person happened to be my grandmother. Oh yes, my grandparents and my parents were in the audience. I leaned down and handed my glasses to my grandmother. She wasn't exactly sure what I was doing, so she held two hands out and I wordlessly placed the glasses in her outstretched arms and walked back to the piano.

Yashu and I proceeded to do our crazy mashup that apparently sounded pretty good. Neither one of us remembers it because we were running on adrenaline (and I was also running on the glass of wine I had at dinner). I only screwed up once after I thought I turned the page, realized I hadn't turned the page, and decided to just pick a chord while I tried to turn the page again. It was not a good chord choice but it happened.

There will be video posted on Facebook eventually. I'm not sure if you can see my socks but you can definitely hear our genius mashup. That we didn't even have finished before we performed. You probably can't see my lilac nails that I had done on Friday and were long enough that I'm sure you can hear the clicking. My piano teacher would take me out at the knees if she saw me playing with those nails. My bad.

It was hot mess indeed.

I also just found an old, unposted post that I didn't finish about doing yoga with the superintendent of a school district and getting Pennie to feel my boots so I think I'll finish that and post it later. I've been a little busy graduating and stuff.


Out-of-Context Quotes From A Long Time Ago, Sorry

Yeah, well that rice tasted like a red, child-sized snow shovel.


What flavor?
Was I drunk?
Was I THERE?
Is this baby ugly?


Oh my god. I forgot I had a B.F.

Well let me just sum it up by saying at the end of this story, I was covered in blood.

Hey where did you get that awesome pink tie you bought me?

Either Carson's or Macy's. Why?

Because I might need a new one.

Oh. Did you lose it or was it injured?

Possibly stained. Used it as a tourniquet last night.

Excellent.

Whatcha doin?

I'm laying in bed...why?

I can't find the house. I can't see the green in the dark.

Oh, just going to buy some gold star stickers for a group project.
Do I even want to know why you need gold star stickers for a group project?
If I explained it, you would only be more confused. There are Yetis involved. And the Titanic. And the Gold Star Clause.
Yeah no I don't want to know.

A tin of wine from 1986? Okay.

I'm eating a giant Costco muffin with a fork and I keep stabbing through the paper with my fork and now I'm convinced I've eaten a bunch of little bits of paper. Could I just unwrap the muffin? Yes but that's not allowed. Seriously, have you ever seen me eat an Eggo waffle? There are rules that must be followed. You can't just unwrap a muffin. Don't even get me started with proper Skittles procedure.

In other news, second semester has started and I'm kind of strugglebussing a little bit with the transition back to regular college classes. What is this thing called "class"? Why don't I know every little thing that's going to happen within this "class" thing? What am I supposed to do with this random "time" between "class"? Where are all the tiny humans?

I've also forgotten how to read. Well, not all the way. I just forgot how to read things like articles and critical analyses of...stuff. Lemony Snicket's new book is pretty awesome, though.

Life update: I cut off and donated 15 inches of hair! It was ridiculous. It was time, though. It took me longer to tame it after I got out of the shower than it did to take a shower. Now I have bangs and no idea what to do with them.

Maybe I will post more now that I have a little bit of "time." Probably not, though. I'm not making any promises.

The Christmas letter post got the most views/clicks of any of my posts ever! So thank you to all you ridiculous readers that tuned in for the bonus online content! Do any of you want to come scrape Trudy for me? I hate winter.

Out-of-Context Quotes from Time that has Passed

NUMBER 21! I don't know his name right now but 21! THIS IS 21 LAND. SUCK IT.

I have a lot of lotions.

YOUR FACE IS RAINING INTO MY CUP.

Hey-a Joe-a! I cannot-a do 6. I can-a do 7.

Son offa bitch-a!