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Profane Quotes That Didn't Make It
- Someone shit Christmas trees all over my hands.
- Let's park by the piss bush.
- Currently winning. Suck it.
- You're so full of shit. Shut up and lay down. You don't have to poop, damn it.
- Son offa bitch-a! Ditalini!
- You're 50. You're too old to get in bar fights.
- Say 5 because no one cares about these FUCKING BEAVERS.
- Hey guess whose ass I kicked at dinner?
Uhh...everyone's?
Not this time.
- Like Grace, I'm handing out lollipops and ass-kickings and I'm all out of lollipops. I've also got a full rack of letters can can spell 3 different 7-letter words. Get a mop because I'm about to kick your ass so hard your beer is gonna come shooting out your elbows.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Drink it for Science.
The Sidewalk Saga
There's this one square of sidewalk that has been slowly pushed up because of the tree roots under it. It started off as just a little bump and over time has been pushed up so far that the end closest to the tree is at least an inch higher than the other sidewalk squares around it. Of course, it's totally uneven because the roots are mostly pushing on one side so it's this sad, lopsided sidewalk piece that everyone trips over as they walk their dogs.
By everyone I mean me.
A few weeks ago, someone put some blacktop on either side of the high part. For a while, it seemed to be "fixed" because the blacktop made little ramps on either side. So now the sidewalk piece is uneven but evenly uneven because of the blacktop ramps. We kind of assumed that the Sidewalk Police (or whomever is really in charge of sidewalk maintenance) did the blacktop. It turns out, it was actually some dude who lives nearby that got sick of tripping over it and decided to fix it himself.
A few days ago, the sidewalk was painted with a bright, orange X and had a traffic horse (is that a thing?) on it. The piece magically disappeared and for a day there was a big square hole where the piece had once been. That tree has some huge roots.
Today, new cement was poured to fill in the hole. I saw that there was Cuidado Tape surrounding it so I figured it was still a little damp. Naturally, I called Nack and told him to carve something into the wet cement. I then remembered to remind him to NOT carve a dick into it and to be more creative than that. I was already on my way to Lakeshore (a magical yet dangerous place) so I didn't get to see him do his "art." He called me back and said the deed was done and I needed to wait until I came home to see it in person. He also told me a neighbor had already carved his initials into it John Hancock style and his defacement was smaller and much cuter.
I got back from Lakeshore and Starbucks (duh) and excitedly skipped over to the new sidewalk. SOMEONE HAD SCRATCHED OUT BOTH CARVINGS WITH A BROOM OR LARGE TOOTHBRUSH AND EVENED IT OUT. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE IT. I was sad and told Skooter and he told me what he carved into it and it was totes adorbs and now GONE.
It gets better.
A few hours ago, I went to take the Stupids out for a walk and we went by the now-boring slab. Now there is a white X painted on it and the word "Remove" sprayed over the X.
We don't know why.
It's very clearly new, wet cement and it's flat, even, and un-scratched. There is nothing wrong with it. Why does it have to come out again? Did someone think that the original piece never came out? There's some illegible scribbles on the grass in both orange and white spray paint. What does it mean? Is it broken? Are they going to tear it out and rotate it 180 degrees just for shits and giggles? Will Nack have time to carve something into the new sidewalk?
I will keep y'all posted on the Sidewalk Saga.
Adventure Camp Love Connections
One of my favorite stories from camp this summer is the story of how Matt was engaged and then not engaged and then had to inexplicably choose between two women and somehow ended up not having to pick anybody and then nobody talked about it ever again and some kids still think it was all real.
One of our campers was convinced Matt and Erin are "like, totally in love." Okay, sweet. The counselors decided that Matt absolutely needed to make Erin a ring. So Abster made a ring out of a piece of pink pipe cleaner and a clear bead. Matt was going to give Erin the ring until we thought it would be much funnier if he didn't. He convinced that same camper that he was too nervous to give Erin the ring and he needed the camper to give it to her for him.
She totally gave Erin the ring for him and believed that he was too nervous to do it himself. It was GREAT.
During lunch of that same day, the camper comes up to me as I'm sitting with Abster, Erin, a bunch of other kids and a few other counselors. She asks me, "Are you in love with Matt?"
I decided to make this love connection a love triangle and it escalated quickly. I solemnly answered, "Yes." Then I slapped both hands over my mouth and said, "Wait, no. No!" I made sure to look like I had just admitted my deepest, darkest secret and overacted. It worked.
The camper's eyes grew wide and she tore across the gym to tell all the other kids (and Matt) that she knows my secret. Erin and Abster were laughing so hard they were crying a little bit.
Erin and I knew that all the kids would be watching from across the gym so Erin put her head in her hands, I put my hand on her shoulder, she shook my hand off her shoulder, and I put my head on my knees. Abster continued to cry.
Erin walked over to Matt, took off the ring, threw it on the ground (like the song), and said, "YOU CHOOSE" and walked away.
Most of the kids realized it was all fake and many of them thought it was hilarious.
Some of them were convinced that I totally let it slip. Some of them thought that Matt shouldn't give up Erin that easily. One of them thought that Erin and I should arm wrestle for it.
Matt ended up not picking anybody and we pretended the whole thing never happened.
Except on the last day of camp when we played the Counselor Game and Matt and Erin won in both "Counselors that secretly hate each other" and "Counselors who are secretly totally in love" so we're not really sure what everyone thinks. I came in second for worst jokes and that's all that really matters.
This is why I shouldn't be in charge.
Out-of-Context-Quotes from All of Summer, SORRY
You hit him and nothing happened so you just sat down on the ground?
So you cleaned watches with q-tips and watch fluid? You do have a Master's degree, yes.
Okay so who's gonna burn their house down so we don't have to do CPR?
2013 Camp Quotes
There's a ghost.
How do you know?
There are plants on the roof.
Busted BUSTED!
I got fired on my first day of the jobbbbbbb!
I'm breaking up with my friends.
I got a Russian in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it show it...
I got it from the Jeweldosco.
You have mental problems.
You have to beLIEVE ME! You just have to!
You look Chinese!
I want you to hold on to your airplanes with all three hands.
What?
You suck. Let's hold hands.
Hey, sugartits. Look alive.
Bottom.
We're a f*cking tricycle, Abby.
Can I get her fired?
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE MATING!
You're full of snipple.
That's turrible.
Teachaa, can I go showaa?
No.
But whyyyyyyyy?
Queen of Farts.
There's this one square of sidewalk that has been slowly pushed up because of the tree roots under it. It started off as just a little bump and over time has been pushed up so far that the end closest to the tree is at least an inch higher than the other sidewalk squares around it. Of course, it's totally uneven because the roots are mostly pushing on one side so it's this sad, lopsided sidewalk piece that everyone trips over as they walk their dogs.
By everyone I mean me.
A few weeks ago, someone put some blacktop on either side of the high part. For a while, it seemed to be "fixed" because the blacktop made little ramps on either side. So now the sidewalk piece is uneven but evenly uneven because of the blacktop ramps. We kind of assumed that the Sidewalk Police (or whomever is really in charge of sidewalk maintenance) did the blacktop. It turns out, it was actually some dude who lives nearby that got sick of tripping over it and decided to fix it himself.
A few days ago, the sidewalk was painted with a bright, orange X and had a traffic horse (is that a thing?) on it. The piece magically disappeared and for a day there was a big square hole where the piece had once been. That tree has some huge roots.
Today, new cement was poured to fill in the hole. I saw that there was Cuidado Tape surrounding it so I figured it was still a little damp. Naturally, I called Nack and told him to carve something into the wet cement. I then remembered to remind him to NOT carve a dick into it and to be more creative than that. I was already on my way to Lakeshore (a magical yet dangerous place) so I didn't get to see him do his "art." He called me back and said the deed was done and I needed to wait until I came home to see it in person. He also told me a neighbor had already carved his initials into it John Hancock style and his defacement was smaller and much cuter.
I got back from Lakeshore and Starbucks (duh) and excitedly skipped over to the new sidewalk. SOMEONE HAD SCRATCHED OUT BOTH CARVINGS WITH A BROOM OR LARGE TOOTHBRUSH AND EVENED IT OUT. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE IT. I was sad and told Skooter and he told me what he carved into it and it was totes adorbs and now GONE.
It gets better.
A few hours ago, I went to take the Stupids out for a walk and we went by the now-boring slab. Now there is a white X painted on it and the word "Remove" sprayed over the X.
We don't know why.
It's very clearly new, wet cement and it's flat, even, and un-scratched. There is nothing wrong with it. Why does it have to come out again? Did someone think that the original piece never came out? There's some illegible scribbles on the grass in both orange and white spray paint. What does it mean? Is it broken? Are they going to tear it out and rotate it 180 degrees just for shits and giggles? Will Nack have time to carve something into the new sidewalk?
I will keep y'all posted on the Sidewalk Saga.
Adventure Camp Love Connections
One of my favorite stories from camp this summer is the story of how Matt was engaged and then not engaged and then had to inexplicably choose between two women and somehow ended up not having to pick anybody and then nobody talked about it ever again and some kids still think it was all real.
One of our campers was convinced Matt and Erin are "like, totally in love." Okay, sweet. The counselors decided that Matt absolutely needed to make Erin a ring. So Abster made a ring out of a piece of pink pipe cleaner and a clear bead. Matt was going to give Erin the ring until we thought it would be much funnier if he didn't. He convinced that same camper that he was too nervous to give Erin the ring and he needed the camper to give it to her for him.
She totally gave Erin the ring for him and believed that he was too nervous to do it himself. It was GREAT.
During lunch of that same day, the camper comes up to me as I'm sitting with Abster, Erin, a bunch of other kids and a few other counselors. She asks me, "Are you in love with Matt?"
I decided to make this love connection a love triangle and it escalated quickly. I solemnly answered, "Yes." Then I slapped both hands over my mouth and said, "Wait, no. No!" I made sure to look like I had just admitted my deepest, darkest secret and overacted. It worked.
The camper's eyes grew wide and she tore across the gym to tell all the other kids (and Matt) that she knows my secret. Erin and Abster were laughing so hard they were crying a little bit.
Erin and I knew that all the kids would be watching from across the gym so Erin put her head in her hands, I put my hand on her shoulder, she shook my hand off her shoulder, and I put my head on my knees. Abster continued to cry.
Erin walked over to Matt, took off the ring, threw it on the ground (like the song), and said, "YOU CHOOSE" and walked away.
Most of the kids realized it was all fake and many of them thought it was hilarious.
Some of them were convinced that I totally let it slip. Some of them thought that Matt shouldn't give up Erin that easily. One of them thought that Erin and I should arm wrestle for it.
Matt ended up not picking anybody and we pretended the whole thing never happened.
Except on the last day of camp when we played the Counselor Game and Matt and Erin won in both "Counselors that secretly hate each other" and "Counselors who are secretly totally in love" so we're not really sure what everyone thinks. I came in second for worst jokes and that's all that really matters.
This is why I shouldn't be in charge.
Out-of-Context-Quotes from All of Summer, SORRY
You hit him and nothing happened so you just sat down on the ground?
So you cleaned watches with q-tips and watch fluid? You do have a Master's degree, yes.
Okay so who's gonna burn their house down so we don't have to do CPR?
2013 Camp Quotes
There's a ghost.
How do you know?
There are plants on the roof.
Busted BUSTED!
I got fired on my first day of the jobbbbbbb!
I'm breaking up with my friends.
I got a Russian in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it show it...
I got it from the Jeweldosco.
You have mental problems.
You have to beLIEVE ME! You just have to!
You look Chinese!
I want you to hold on to your airplanes with all three hands.
What?
You suck. Let's hold hands.
Hey, sugartits. Look alive.
Bottom.
We're a f*cking tricycle, Abby.
Can I get her fired?
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE MATING!
You're full of snipple.
That's turrible.
Teachaa, can I go showaa?
No.
But whyyyyyyyy?
Queen of Farts.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Are You Just Getting BY BY BY
Yashu and I decided at the last freaking minute that we were going to do something for the Senior Gala last Saturday. I bought the sheet music on Thursday, half-assed some chords Thursday night, ran through it a couple times on Friday with Yashu (who didn't know the words yet), screamed a little bit, and then we threw our hands in the air and decided we would just wing it on Saturday and it would be "awesome."
Surprisingly, it was awesome.
The most awesome part was the part when Yashu and I were under the impression that we were going 9th and we were actually going 8th. The 7th act had just finished so I was calmly starting to get nervous. I had just taken the iPad out of my bag and set it on the table when the emcee said, "Up next we have Molly and Yashu..." I don't know what she said next because as soon as I heard our names I yelled, "OH SHIT!" and looked up at Yashu. She also yelled, "OH SHIT!" at the same time and it was totally cute. We stumbled up to the stage, held hands as we tripped up the stairs, and I sat at the piano while she walked over to the microphone. As I sat down, I realized I had no shoes on and was wearing neon green socks. Which would have been fine had I not been wearing bright pink pants. I proceeded to take off my glasses while Yashu apparently introduced us and set them on the piano. After I set them down, I realized I would most likely forget them on the piano. I proclaimed, "This is a hot mess" to the entire room as I decided to get up, walk around the piano, and hand my glasses to whomever was the closest person sitting near the stage.
The closest person happened to be my grandmother. Oh yes, my grandparents and my parents were in the audience. I leaned down and handed my glasses to my grandmother. She wasn't exactly sure what I was doing, so she held two hands out and I wordlessly placed the glasses in her outstretched arms and walked back to the piano.
Yashu and I proceeded to do our crazy mashup that apparently sounded pretty good. Neither one of us remembers it because we were running on adrenaline (and I was also running on the glass of wine I had at dinner). I only screwed up once after I thought I turned the page, realized I hadn't turned the page, and decided to just pick a chord while I tried to turn the page again. It was not a good chord choice but it happened.
There will be video posted on Facebook eventually. I'm not sure if you can see my socks but you can definitely hear our genius mashup. That we didn't even have finished before we performed. You probably can't see my lilac nails that I had done on Friday and were long enough that I'm sure you can hear the clicking. My piano teacher would take me out at the knees if she saw me playing with those nails. My bad.
It was hot mess indeed.
I also just found an old, unposted post that I didn't finish about doing yoga with the superintendent of a school district and getting Pennie to feel my boots so I think I'll finish that and post it later. I've been a little busy graduating and stuff.
Out-of-Context Quotes From A Long Time Ago, Sorry
Yeah, well that rice tasted like a red, child-sized snow shovel.
What flavor?
Was I drunk?
Was I THERE?
Is this baby ugly?
Oh my god. I forgot I had a B.F.
Oh, just going to buy some gold star stickers for a group project.
Do I even want to know why you need gold star stickers for a group project?
If I explained it, you would only be more confused. There are Yetis involved. And the Titanic. And the Gold Star Clause.
Yeah no I don't want to know.
Surprisingly, it was awesome.
The most awesome part was the part when Yashu and I were under the impression that we were going 9th and we were actually going 8th. The 7th act had just finished so I was calmly starting to get nervous. I had just taken the iPad out of my bag and set it on the table when the emcee said, "Up next we have Molly and Yashu..." I don't know what she said next because as soon as I heard our names I yelled, "OH SHIT!" and looked up at Yashu. She also yelled, "OH SHIT!" at the same time and it was totally cute. We stumbled up to the stage, held hands as we tripped up the stairs, and I sat at the piano while she walked over to the microphone. As I sat down, I realized I had no shoes on and was wearing neon green socks. Which would have been fine had I not been wearing bright pink pants. I proceeded to take off my glasses while Yashu apparently introduced us and set them on the piano. After I set them down, I realized I would most likely forget them on the piano. I proclaimed, "This is a hot mess" to the entire room as I decided to get up, walk around the piano, and hand my glasses to whomever was the closest person sitting near the stage.
The closest person happened to be my grandmother. Oh yes, my grandparents and my parents were in the audience. I leaned down and handed my glasses to my grandmother. She wasn't exactly sure what I was doing, so she held two hands out and I wordlessly placed the glasses in her outstretched arms and walked back to the piano.
Yashu and I proceeded to do our crazy mashup that apparently sounded pretty good. Neither one of us remembers it because we were running on adrenaline (and I was also running on the glass of wine I had at dinner). I only screwed up once after I thought I turned the page, realized I hadn't turned the page, and decided to just pick a chord while I tried to turn the page again. It was not a good chord choice but it happened.
There will be video posted on Facebook eventually. I'm not sure if you can see my socks but you can definitely hear our genius mashup. That we didn't even have finished before we performed. You probably can't see my lilac nails that I had done on Friday and were long enough that I'm sure you can hear the clicking. My piano teacher would take me out at the knees if she saw me playing with those nails. My bad.
It was hot mess indeed.
I also just found an old, unposted post that I didn't finish about doing yoga with the superintendent of a school district and getting Pennie to feel my boots so I think I'll finish that and post it later. I've been a little busy graduating and stuff.
Out-of-Context Quotes From A Long Time Ago, Sorry
Yeah, well that rice tasted like a red, child-sized snow shovel.
What flavor?
Was I drunk?
Was I THERE?
Is this baby ugly?
Oh my god. I forgot I had a B.F.
Well let me just sum it up by saying at the end of this story, I was covered in blood.
Hey where did you get that awesome pink tie you bought me?
Either Carson's or Macy's. Why?
Because I might need a new one.
Oh. Did you lose it or was it injured?
Possibly stained. Used it as a tourniquet last night.
Excellent.
Whatcha doin?
I'm laying in bed...why?
I can't find the house. I can't see the green in the dark.
Oh, just going to buy some gold star stickers for a group project.
Do I even want to know why you need gold star stickers for a group project?
If I explained it, you would only be more confused. There are Yetis involved. And the Titanic. And the Gold Star Clause.
Yeah no I don't want to know.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A tin of wine from 1986? Okay.
I'm eating a giant Costco muffin with a fork and I keep stabbing through the paper with my fork and now I'm convinced I've eaten a bunch of little bits of paper. Could I just unwrap the muffin? Yes but that's not allowed. Seriously, have you ever seen me eat an Eggo waffle? There are rules that must be followed. You can't just unwrap a muffin. Don't even get me started with proper Skittles procedure.
In other news, second semester has started and I'm kind of strugglebussing a little bit with the transition back to regular college classes. What is this thing called "class"? Why don't I know every little thing that's going to happen within this "class" thing? What am I supposed to do with this random "time" between "class"? Where are all the tiny humans?
I've also forgotten how to read. Well, not all the way. I just forgot how to read things like articles and critical analyses of...stuff. Lemony Snicket's new book is pretty awesome, though.
Life update: I cut off and donated 15 inches of hair! It was ridiculous. It was time, though. It took me longer to tame it after I got out of the shower than it did to take a shower. Now I have bangs and no idea what to do with them.
Maybe I will post more now that I have a little bit of "time." Probably not, though. I'm not making any promises.
The Christmas letter post got the most views/clicks of any of my posts ever! So thank you to all you ridiculous readers that tuned in for the bonus online content! Do any of you want to come scrape Trudy for me? I hate winter.
Out-of-Context Quotes from Time that has Passed
NUMBER 21! I don't know his name right now but 21! THIS IS 21 LAND. SUCK IT.
I have a lot of lotions.
YOUR FACE IS RAINING INTO MY CUP.
Hey-a Joe-a! I cannot-a do 6. I can-a do 7.
Son offa bitch-a!
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