New-to-you posts

Nack wanted me to put my little stories from Tumblr on here. Hokay.

1) So my brother is kind of a dumbass

and forgot a ton of stuff he needed to bring to some place to do some things tonight (I have no idea I wasn’t really listening). So he calls me as I’m on my way out of work and is like “I need my GPS, paper towels, Windex (it cures everything!) and some other stuff can you get it all together and bring it to Fifi’s house?” (Fifi is my nickname for his girlfriend. You’re all jealous, I know.) So I get all this shit together for him because I’m nice.

And I put it all in a bright pink bag.

And in addition to the things he needed I also added the remote to my old TV, two cottonballs, a container of dried-up whiteout, a bag of Fritos, an open bag of Strawbs (HARIBO!), and a shaken up can of root beer. Because I’m helpful like that.

Best sister ever? I think so.

2) I feel like Balto today.

Max (my dog) is afraid of storms. Terrified. He paces, pants, and whines. Most importantly, he sits on my chest and paws my face. He had been freaking out for two straight hours (it’s storming big time here) so my mother called the vet from work and asked if there was anything we could do. They gave us a prescription and I had to go pick it up because I’m the only one home. So I go out in the torrential downpour to get freaking dog drugs. It’s the dog equivalent of Xanax.

So instead of snow, I go out in the rain. Instead of getting drugs for a little girl, I’m getting drugs for a little sissy dog. And instead of the antitoxin for diphtheria, I’m getting freaking doggy Xanax. Also, I’m not a half-dog half-wolf.

But I still feel like Balto.

3) Story Time.

This just happened.

So I have a prospective student coming to stay with me tonight and tomorrow night. Cool. So I decide it would be a good idea to vacuum and clean and stuff. So I go get the dorm’s vacuum from the front desk. I turn it on. Vacuum for approximately 5 seconds.

…OH MY GOD IT SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING DIED. THIS VACUUM SMELLS LIKE IT IS FULL OF DEAD RATS OR SOMETHING.

I gag and barely contain myself as I turn it off. I had to hold my breath as I wrap up the cord because IT FREAKING SMELLS LIKE ROTTING SOMETHING.

So I take it back to the desk…and tell them it smells like it is full of dead rats. The girl at the desk is like, “Uhh…okay. I’ll let maintenance know?”

THANKS.

So I walk back to my room. As I come down the hallway, I realize the smell of dead rats (I’ve decided on dead rats) is getting stronger and stronger. I open my door. HOLY CRAP THE ENTIRE ROOM SMELLS LIKE DEAD RATS. SO BAD. So I frantically open the windows. Thank GOD I have a corner room so there’s 2 windows so I can get a cross breeze and get the unbearable stench out of the room. I was waving my arms back and forth like I was drying my nails trying to get the smell to GO AWAY but realized I was going to pass out because I can’t hold my breath and flail at the same time.

So I grab some body spray. Because we don’t have any air freshener. DIDN’T THINK WE’D EVER NEED IT.

I spray the entire room with body spray. I leave, go sit in the bathroom for a minute. I come back.

NOW IT SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS AND DEAD RATS.

Idea: wave the door back and forth! Get the air moving!

…Not so much.

Idea: wave a book back and forth! Get the air moving!

…Not so much.

Idea: SPRAY MORE SPRAY.

…Sort of working.

Okay, it’s working. A waving/spraying combo.

Moral of the story: SPLURGE AND BUY YOUR OWN FREAKING VACUUM.