Dances with Sticks: What is Yashu?

It rained during my entire drive home on Tuesday (the WHOLE thing!). But it was okay.

There was a mini-van in front of me for a while. There were at least three kids in the back (maybe four). We both got in the left lane to pass a tut. But this was not any tut. This was a tut that carries C-A-Rs. This particular tut was full of Volkswagen Beetles. I look through the windshield and see fists FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE in the mini-van. Ultimate punch buggy opportunity? I think so. I laughed.

It made driving in the rain totally worth it.

My mother and I watched giant slugs race through an obstacle course when I got home. That was nice. They were climbing over and through all kinds of obstacles! And sharp things! Their slime prevents them from getting impaled by a bed of nails! Think about that one. Visualize it.

My dad gets +10 points for not letting the turkey bag touch the heating element of the oven this year. I appreciated the lack of burning plastic. No fires this year!

Nack went to this computer place (it has a name) for some ridiculous Black Friday stuff at 5am. I did not join him. I did have to look for a hidden sticker though. I didn't even get a prize when I found it.

We got a new Christmas light 3-D thing. It's an igloo and two penguins. Now my dad wants a polar bear so we can put one of the penguins in its mouth.

Now on to the story you're all here for!

My dad had to go to Walgreens to get chocolate Advent calendars on Sunday. My mother and I were hanging ornaments on the tree (she hangs normal ones, I hang the ugly handmade ones, she takes the ugly ones down, I hang the ones with missing limbs, she takes the ones with missing limbs down and throws them at me, etc.) when the house phone rang. I went to answer it. I saw it was my Dad's cell phone number and proceeded to hand it to my mother. It's not unusual for him to call us from the driveway. Especially if he's on his way to the airport. But he wasn't on his way to the airport; he was on his way to Walgreens. I figured he probably forgot why he went to Walgreens and was calling to ask why he was there.

My mother answers the phone. I hear her say, "What? You what? Are you in the driveway?"

He is not in the driveway. He is at Walgreens, duh.

I only hear one end of this conversation but I know it's a good one because at one point she says, "Do you need me to send your daughter? She has small hands."

Oh, yes. This is going to be a HELL of a story.

Mensa Mama ends the conversation. I look up at her and ask, "Uhh...why do we need my hands and where am I going?"

I have to wait a few minutes for an answer because she's laughing so hard she can't breathe, much less speak.

My father was preparing to exit his vehicle. He unbuckled the seat belt and took his keys out of the ignition. Somehow, he dropped his keys between hit seat and the middle thingie (it has a name but the name is irrelephant). Okay. When he went to try to stick his hand between the seat and the thingie, he accidentally locked the doors. He had yet to open his door, so he just locked himself into his car. And because he locked it, if he tried to unlock it from the inside and open the door, he would set off his alarm. And if he set off the alarm, he couldn't make it stop because his keys are stuck between the seat and the thingie.

So he strugglebusses to reach the keys and ends up pushing them farther into the crevasse where everyone loses important things like pen caps and coins and eyeliner and Marshmallow Mateys.

So he decides to call my mother.

She asks him if she should just bring him the extra keys. That would be a genius idea.

Except that the extra keys are in about 17 pieces on the counter because something was hinky and Nack was going to "fix" them. Months ago. So the extra keys are not an option.

She asks him if she should send ME to Walgreens so I can use my small hands and get the keys. That does not solve the whole setting-off-the-incredibly-loud alarm problem. He would still have to open the door from the inside and set off the alarm.

She asks him if he has any hangers in his car. He doesn't.

She makes him hang up and not call the police to help him because all they're going to do is laugh at him.

Did I mention that now all the windows are fogged up?

He ends up using a pen and some creative profanity to free the keys. He calls us back to tell us he got them and I don't have to go to Walgreens with a hanger and a stick of butter.

The best part?

Walgreens didn't even have any f***ing Advent calendars.


Out-of-Context Quotes from the Past Few Days

"I'll be there in 20. Not that it matters because we sleep in separate beds..."

"So there's a girl behind you wearing a red shirt."
"Okay."
"I need you to look over there..."
"And?"
"And tell me if she combed her hair today."

"Oh. This is Grandma-ma's umbrella. I should give it back to him."
"Maybe that's why he's so insecure!"

"Eyebrows. Eyebrows are weird."

"It smells like candy corn and cat pee over here. What the hell happened?!"

"And THAT is how you lay a mofo OUT." (Karl!)