Such late. Much letter.

We had to clean up some of the quotes. Here are the real versions and a few that were cut.

- Someone shit Christmas trees all over my hands

- Let's park by the piss bush!

- Oh holy shit I just burped it all back into my eyes!

- Are you high? Why the fuck would we have a Bert but not Ernie?

- Little bastard get the hell off my couch!

- You need to get your shit together, asshole. Appliances are not scary. Calm the fuck down.

- I read it. I read and it said, "My asshole tastes like old bacon wrapped in old newspaper. Help." then I said you DO need some help.

- That? That's a Great Blue Asshole. He's kind of a huge dick to the Swim Birds.

Merry New Year.

Fun Fact: 0.1% of people in the US are fluent in Romanian

I haven't posted in such long very inconsistent. Luckily for you, my dear readers, I have summoned a guest poster to tell his story titled, "I'll Take Roamin' Romanian for 2000, Alex."

The guest poster is Skooter. Here go.

Ten seconds or less of observation at any one of my fraternity's exec meetings, and you'll realize that competence, attention span, and forethought are spread thin throughout.  More importantly, you'll realize that only one person (myself) actually has the capacity to charitably give a flying fuck. (I do, most of the time)

So, a whole bunch of years ago (like a decade or some Greek shit word) a bunch of previous members of my fraternity purchased a domain name and have operated and maintained a website up until about a year ago.  Exactly one yearish ago, someone....dropped the fucking ball.   And it was heavy, and damaged the floor, and the vinyl needed to be replaced, and it was this whole thing.

Anyway, the person with the information to login to our GoDaddy site decided that none of that information was worth writing down, or sharing with anyone, or carving into stone tablets, or even committing to memory, or ANY OTHER FORM OF TANGIBLE OR INTANGIBLE MEDIA.  And after the year passed with no one logging into our GoDaddy, the credit card expired and we were no longer able to be charged for our domain rental.  Which we found out when our email and Google drives and everything else that used the domain as its server LEFT US HANGING.   No email.  No Google drive.  No fun.

After staring at the sun until they could see a little dark circle in their retinas, and trying to follow it to treasure for an hour and a half, one of the exec members mentioned the issue to me.  So, pulling out my handy dandy bag of fucks, I pulled yet another out to give that no one else wanted to.  And called GoDaddy.  

Now, GoDaddy was more than accomodating, and completely understood the situation.  "These things happen, we understand that." said the nice man on the other end of the line.  "You've been with us so long, this isn't a normal behavior for you as a client, so we're even going to waive the re-activation fees."  Alright, that's cool.  Won't argue with special treatment.  I gave him an updated credit card, repurchased the domain, and pat myself on the back for totally saving the day and being like a super rad dude.

Or so I thought.  But this is my life, and nothing can ever work ever.

I quickly realize our email and other server functions aren't working still, and at that moment, I log back into GoDaddy to be all "What's going on, eh?".  I nearly rocket-thrust shit myself through the ceiling of the room and into the upper floor when I realized that the salesman had sold me a .com, instead of the .org that we had been using.  So everything was still broken like it was Y2fuckingK.

I call GoDaddy back and, being certain I said ".org" requested they change the subscription after only one day.  The nice man on the other end, being just as understanding, agrees.  Then, the no longer nice man corrected himself and left me to hang with "Oh.   OOOHHH.   Uh oh....."  to which, I responded "Huh." as he explained the situation.  Because our account had made activity, and had NOT renewed the .org site, GoDaddy concluded that we must not want that domain back, and sold it to the next person on the waiting list for it.  "We can get it back for you." offered the man of varying niceties, depending on the minute.  "....Yea, do that." I replied, with just the slightest bit of vinegar.  "There's no guarantee,"  OK.  "And we take a small percent of the purchase price." OK.  "And the starting rate is $90 to attempt."  Oh,  kindly step back, because you don't know me like that.  I can yell and scream for WAY less than $90.  

So I run a whois.com search, and find out who bought our domain.  We'll call him CAL.  CAL owns over 42,000 websites, I came to find out, as I stalked him like a high school freshman girl looking at the totes adorbs boy that sits next to her in English 101 and is the starting quarterback and sooooooooooo cute.

Fuck.  He owns 42,000 sites,  Which means either A) He uses them for work and needs them or B) He buys and sells them for profit.  Neither of those are in my favor to get this domain back relatively quickly or cheaply.  Oh, and the little tiny bird that is point C) HE LIVES IN ROMANIA.  AND BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH.

I decided calling and essentially saying "I'm an American frat boy, I need my website back" was probably a bad way to go about this.  I then decided having someone call, in Romanian, and explain that the domain belonged to a non-profit for the past decade, and we can't afford to setup the system again on a new server (which is all technically true) he might be a little more accommodating. 

BEGIN WIKI "ROMANIA"

Ok, so very few people speak Romanian, no one learns it for fun, and no other language is close.  I found a single teacher at my university, conveniently known as incredibly bitchy, who was fluent.

Fuck.

So I ran downstairs to the kid in my fraternity that moved from Poland, and we had the following exchange:

Me: "Do you speak Romanian?"
Him: "I speak Polish."
Me: "Do you speak Romanian?"
Him: "I speak Polish."
Me: "CAN YOU FUCKING FAKE ROMANIAN?"
Him: "No, it doesn't work like that.  It's a romantic language, and the closest thing is Hungarian.  And no, I can't fake Hungarian."

Double fuck.

My pledge son, from this point on SON, was also in the room watching my brain try to figure out the fastest way to end its own existence.   He laughed appropriately at my futile attempts to yell someone into fluency of a language I couldn't even write.

I sat down on his couch, and contemplated if the fall from the roof (head first of course) would be enough to kill me the first time, or if I'd need to climb up twice.

*Enter pledges for an independent reason*

Pledge 1: "Where's-"
SON: "SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU SPEAK ROMANIAN?"
Pledge 2: "No."
Pledge 1: "I was born there.  I'm fluent."
Me: "ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME,   ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS.  I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SPEAK THE LANGUAGE I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU WITH SOMETHING VERY VERY VERY DULL AND RUSTY."
Pledge 1: "Nah, I'm actually fluent."

In the heat of it all, I realized I was holding the kids collar and possibly raising my voice a bit, and maybe I'm too close to his face.  I back up, calm myself, and explain the situation.

Pledge 1: "So I have to call Romania, and tell this guy stuff, and we're buying our website back?"
Me: "Exactly.  I'll buy you pizza.  Romanian speakers are hard to come by apparently."
Pledge 1: "Fuck it, let's do it."

After setting up Google voice, this kid sits down and turns into the Romanian equivalent of Barry Manilow, smooth talking CAL like he was working his way into the bedroom.

After two days to think about it, Pledge 1 was able to haggle CAL down from $500 to $90, because Romanian Barry Manilow don't pay more than the love is worth.

The kid ROCKED it.  We got our website and server functions back, I bought pizza for the team of international businessmen (because that's totally what it was, and I'm putting it on me resume), and the day was saved.


Out-of-Context Quotes From Just Errywhere

"Dude, I'm so into this gun thing."

"I have learned the hard way that the black rock holds down the poopies."

My fingers are finging

Three-ish weeks ago, I was asked to accompany for my coworker's daughter's wedding. I was honored when she called me; I have never been asked to play for a wedding before and have only really played a few songs here and there for graduations and school masses. It was pretty last minute, as the girls who were going to sing asked for an accompanist three weeks before the big day. I said I would love to do it as long as I got the music well in advance so I could learn the few songs and be ready to rock. The ceremony was going to be at Al's so it was somewhere I'm totally comfortable and have a pretty decent track record. She said it was just a wedding ceremony and not a full Mass, so it wouldn't be too long and it would be less work for me because I wouldn't need to learn any of the Communion prep, consecration stuff, and deal with a Communion song or two. My impression at the time was that I just needed to learn three, maybe four songs in three weeks.

Boy was I wrong.

I can't sight read, but I can teach myself almost anything as long as I have a few weeks to do it. I wasn't worried at the time as I thought I had three weeks.

I didn't get the music until a week before the wedding. I also received music for eight songs.

Eight.

I can do a lot of things. As Nick would tell me, not only can I do a lot of things but I even know so many things. But learning eight things in a week seemed like something I couldn't accomplish even with a glass of wine and mandatory constant moral support from Abby. That's more than one song a day! Two of those days I'm going to be in DBQ for the surprise party! (Sidebar we had a surprise 75th birthday party for my grandmother but don't worry we didn't pop out and yell or anything like that.) I decided to look through the songs before I went into full-blown freakout mode because hey, I bet I already know some of these. People tend to pick popular, well-known pretty songs for weddings, right? RIGHT?!

The bride requested some songs to do as preludes before the ceremony that were churchy but not exactly from my handy dandy Gather book. I almost crapped my pants as I read through the list. Of the eight songs, I knew how to play one. And I knew it thirteen years ago so that barely counts. I knew what seven of the eight songs sounded like but had only ever played one.

I looked at the Flower Duet. Oh hell no I can NOT learn this in a week much less learn seven other songs at the same time. BZZZT.

I looked at The Prayer. I decided I would be using my version instead of the one she sent me. Luckily, they were in the same key and mine was just easier. I had plunked my way through The Prayer a few times in my life but had never played it with singers and have certainly never played it all the way through without swearing and starting over.

I looked at the Ave Maria. Yes, that Ave Maria. Son of a bitch I've never played this and it's chordy and everyone knows this so I have to do it right and probably not just wing it...

I looked at A Blessing of Music. What is this? I don't think I've ever heard this but it looks easy. This should be fine.

I looked at the Celtic Alleluia. Classic. Also imperative that I don't screw this one up because everyone knows it. Except Molly.

I looked at Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee. Ode to Joy. Doable. Done. Too bad I forgot about it until the Thursday before and suddenly remembered that I had to learn it.

Canon in D. Oh yes, the instrumental for the processional. Which means I needed to nail it because there's no singing and also EVERYONE IS WALKING IN.

I had to pull Canon in D from the depths of my mind. It was so far back in there I passed Fur Elise, cheerleading routines, and all the harmony from choir. The last time I played Canon in D was for the talent show when I was in 4th grade. It was a simplified version that didn't sound too simplified so it totally worked.

I practiced like crazy for the week. I had the Ave Maria on constant repeat in my head. I listened to dozens of different versions of Canon in D and decided it would be more work to unlearn my version to learn the real version and just kind of stopped looking at the music and played it by feel. I met up with the girls on Friday before the rehearsal dinner so we could run through the songs together as we had never met and I knew I was going to need all the practice I could get before the big day. Thankfully, they are beautifully amazing singers who could totally hold their own and I didn't need to really play the melody for almost anything. We decided to start with A Blessing of Music because it was the one we were both least familiar with. I kind of learned it but not really which ended up working out because the girls also kind of learned it but not really so we decided to just scrap it. Amen.

Unfortunately, Saturday afternoon happened and it was go time. We were supposed to play the preludes starting around 2:00 and the ceremony was scheduled to start at 2:30.

This is where the story gets even more ridiculous.

The priest is late. Super late. We're not even sure where he is and if he knows he's supposed to do this wedding kind of late.

While we were waiting for the priest, the girls and I were asked to just keep the music going. We ended up doing the Ave Maria three separate times, The Prayer twice, and the Flower Duet twice. I also played random songs from the Gather book that I knew because what else am I going to play in a church? I played five or six songs and made sure to play many, many verses of each. All five verses of Blest are They? Sure! Playing I am the Bread of Life long enough to get into the Spanish verses? Of course! We had an undetermined amount of time to kill so I just went balls to the wall with the Bible Jamz.

Let me give you a quick rundown of Bible Jamz. When we were still at IWU, sometimes I would have to go play random songs just because. Because I only teach myself the prettiest songs, Kristen started coming with me when I went to Presser and would read, study, or just listen as I played everything I could think of. I lugged my big accompaniment books and we started calling it Bible Jamz.

I basically did Bible Jamz for a hundred people. It was great.

The priest who was supposed to do the ceremony never showed up. More than half an hour after the wedding was supposed to start, someone ran over to the rectory to see if anyone was there. Luckily, another priest who lives in the rectory was home and agreed to do the ceremony right then and there.

Suddenly, it was time for Canon in D. I saw everyone lining up at the doors to process in and started to play.

I don't think I have ever witnessed a procession that moved at such a glacial pace. I soon realized that I was going to have to add to Canon in D to make sure I didn't run out of song before the bride even got to the aisle, much less down it.

I had to improv. I can't improv. But I had to. I just had to keep playing. Did I mention that I realized that having the music for the real Canon in D only screwed me up so I opted to play from memory? If you know me, you know that I can not play a single thing from memory. Not a thing. But I turned this into a thing.

I could not ever replicate the version of Canon I played as it was a one-time-only Molly original. I was drawing on George Winston, my simplified version from 2001, and straight up feels. I think I'm going to call is Hot Mess in D. I'm glad Canon is such an easy song to just keep adding to because otherwise this story would not have had such a happy ending.

Thankfully, the rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch. I made it through all the songs, I didn't noticeably screw anything up, and I remembered to put my shoes back on before I walked away from the piano at the end.

I don't think I can ever listen to Ave Maria again without twitching a little bit. Maybe I'll take a short break from playing...probably not though.

Merry Christmas, Here's a Letter

Page 1

Page 2

Profane Quotes That Didn't Make It

- Someone shit Christmas trees all over my hands.

- Let's park by the piss bush.

- Currently winning. Suck it.

- You're so full of shit. Shut up and lay down. You don't have to poop, damn it.

- Son offa bitch-a! Ditalini!

- You're 50. You're too old to get in bar fights.

- Say 5 because no one cares about these FUCKING BEAVERS.

- Hey guess whose ass I kicked at dinner?
  Uhh...everyone's?
  Not this time.

- Like Grace, I'm handing out lollipops and ass-kickings and I'm all out of lollipops. I've also got a full rack of letters can can spell 3 different 7-letter words. Get a mop because I'm about to kick your ass so hard your beer is gonna come shooting out your elbows.

Drink it for Science.

The Sidewalk Saga

There's this one square of sidewalk that has been slowly pushed up because of the tree roots under it. It started off as just a little bump and over time has been pushed up so far that the end closest to the tree is at least an inch higher than the other sidewalk squares around it. Of course, it's totally uneven because the roots are mostly pushing on one side so it's this sad, lopsided sidewalk piece that everyone trips over as they walk their dogs.

By everyone I mean me.

A few weeks ago, someone put some blacktop on either side of the high part. For a while, it seemed to be "fixed" because the blacktop made little ramps on either side. So now the sidewalk piece is uneven but evenly uneven because of the blacktop ramps. We kind of assumed that the Sidewalk Police (or whomever is really in charge of sidewalk maintenance) did the blacktop. It turns out, it was actually some dude who lives nearby that got sick of tripping over it and decided to fix it himself.

A few days ago, the sidewalk was painted with a bright, orange X and had a traffic horse (is that a thing?) on it. The piece magically disappeared and for a day there was a big square hole where the piece had once been. That tree has some huge roots.

Today, new cement was poured to fill in the hole. I saw that there was Cuidado Tape surrounding it so I figured it was still a little damp. Naturally, I called Nack and told him to carve something into the wet cement. I then remembered to remind him to NOT carve a dick into it and to be more creative than that. I was already on my way to Lakeshore (a magical yet dangerous place) so I didn't get to see him do his "art." He called me back and said the deed was done and I needed to wait until I came home to see it in person. He also told me a neighbor had already carved his initials into it John Hancock style and his defacement was smaller and much cuter.

I got back from Lakeshore and Starbucks (duh) and excitedly skipped over to the new sidewalk. SOMEONE HAD SCRATCHED OUT BOTH CARVINGS WITH A BROOM OR LARGE TOOTHBRUSH AND EVENED IT OUT. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE IT. I was sad and told Skooter and he told me what he carved into it and it was totes adorbs and now GONE.

It gets better.

A few hours ago, I went to take the Stupids out for a walk and we went by the now-boring slab. Now there is a white X painted on it and the word "Remove" sprayed over the X.

We don't know why.

It's very clearly new, wet cement and it's flat, even, and un-scratched. There is nothing wrong with it. Why does it have to come out again? Did someone think that the original piece never came out? There's some illegible scribbles on the grass in both orange and white spray paint. What does it mean? Is it broken? Are they going to tear it out and rotate it 180 degrees just for shits and giggles? Will Nack have time to carve something into the new sidewalk?

I will keep y'all posted on the Sidewalk Saga.

Adventure Camp Love Connections

One of my favorite stories from camp this summer is the story of how Matt was engaged and then not engaged and then had to inexplicably choose between two women and somehow ended up not having to pick anybody and then nobody talked about it ever again and some kids still think it was all real.

One of our campers was convinced Matt and Erin are "like, totally in love." Okay, sweet. The counselors decided that Matt absolutely needed to make Erin a ring. So Abster made a ring out of a piece of pink pipe cleaner and a clear bead. Matt was going to give Erin the ring until we thought it would be much funnier if he didn't. He convinced that same camper that he was too nervous to give Erin the ring and he needed the camper to give it to her for him.

She totally gave Erin the ring for him and believed that he was too nervous to do it himself. It was GREAT.

During lunch of that same day, the camper comes up to me as I'm sitting with Abster, Erin, a bunch of other kids and a few other counselors. She asks me, "Are you in love with Matt?"

I decided to make this love connection a love triangle and it escalated quickly. I solemnly answered, "Yes." Then I slapped both hands over my mouth and said, "Wait, no. No!" I made sure to look like I had just admitted my deepest, darkest secret and overacted. It worked.

The camper's eyes grew wide and she tore across the gym to tell all the other kids (and Matt) that she knows my secret. Erin and Abster were laughing so hard they were crying a little bit.

Erin and I knew that all the kids would be watching from across the gym so Erin put her head in her hands, I put my hand on her shoulder, she shook my hand off her shoulder, and I put my head on my knees. Abster continued to cry.

Erin walked over to Matt, took off the ring, threw it on the ground (like the song), and said, "YOU CHOOSE" and walked away.

Most of the kids realized it was all fake and many of them thought it was hilarious.

Some of them were convinced that I totally let it slip. Some of them thought that Matt shouldn't give up Erin that easily. One of them thought that Erin and I should arm wrestle for it.

Matt ended up not picking anybody and we pretended the whole thing never happened.

Except on the last day of camp when we played the Counselor Game and Matt and Erin won in both "Counselors that secretly hate each other" and "Counselors who are secretly totally in love" so we're not really sure what everyone thinks. I came in second for worst jokes and that's all that really matters.

This is why I shouldn't be in charge.


Out-of-Context-Quotes from All of Summer, SORRY

You hit him and nothing happened so you just sat down on the ground?

So you cleaned watches with q-tips and watch fluid? You do have a Master's degree, yes.

Okay so who's gonna burn their house down so we don't have to do CPR?

2013 Camp Quotes

There's a ghost.
How do you know?
There are plants on the roof.

Busted BUSTED!

I got fired on my first day of the jobbbbbbb!

I'm breaking up with my friends.

I got a Russian in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it show it...

I got it from the Jeweldosco.

You have mental problems.

You have to beLIEVE ME! You just have to!

You look Chinese!

I want you to hold on to your airplanes with all three hands.
What?

You suck. Let's hold hands.

Hey, sugartits. Look alive.

Bottom.

We're a f*cking tricycle, Abby.

Can I get her fired?

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE MATING!

You're full of snipple.
That's turrible.

Teachaa, can I go showaa?
No.
But whyyyyyyyy?

Queen of Farts.

Are You Just Getting BY BY BY

Yashu and I decided at the last freaking minute that we were going to do something for the Senior Gala last Saturday. I bought the sheet music on Thursday, half-assed some chords Thursday night, ran through it a couple times on Friday with Yashu (who didn't know the words yet), screamed a little bit, and then we threw our hands in the air and decided we would just wing it on Saturday and it would be "awesome."

Surprisingly, it was awesome.

The most awesome part was the part when Yashu and I were under the impression that we were going 9th and we were actually going 8th. The 7th act had just finished so I was calmly starting to get nervous. I had just taken the iPad out of my bag and set it on the table when the emcee said, "Up next we have Molly and Yashu..." I don't know what she said next because as soon as I heard our names I yelled, "OH SHIT!" and looked up at Yashu. She also yelled, "OH SHIT!" at the same time and it was totally cute. We stumbled up to the stage, held hands as we tripped up the stairs, and I sat at the piano while she walked over to the microphone. As I sat down, I realized I had no shoes on and was wearing neon green socks. Which would have been fine had I not been wearing bright pink pants. I proceeded to take off my glasses while Yashu apparently introduced us and set them on the piano. After I set them down, I realized I would most likely forget them on the piano. I proclaimed, "This is a hot mess" to the entire room as I decided to get up, walk around the piano, and hand my glasses to whomever was the closest person sitting near the stage.

The closest person happened to be my grandmother. Oh yes, my grandparents and my parents were in the audience. I leaned down and handed my glasses to my grandmother. She wasn't exactly sure what I was doing, so she held two hands out and I wordlessly placed the glasses in her outstretched arms and walked back to the piano.

Yashu and I proceeded to do our crazy mashup that apparently sounded pretty good. Neither one of us remembers it because we were running on adrenaline (and I was also running on the glass of wine I had at dinner). I only screwed up once after I thought I turned the page, realized I hadn't turned the page, and decided to just pick a chord while I tried to turn the page again. It was not a good chord choice but it happened.

There will be video posted on Facebook eventually. I'm not sure if you can see my socks but you can definitely hear our genius mashup. That we didn't even have finished before we performed. You probably can't see my lilac nails that I had done on Friday and were long enough that I'm sure you can hear the clicking. My piano teacher would take me out at the knees if she saw me playing with those nails. My bad.

It was hot mess indeed.

I also just found an old, unposted post that I didn't finish about doing yoga with the superintendent of a school district and getting Pennie to feel my boots so I think I'll finish that and post it later. I've been a little busy graduating and stuff.


Out-of-Context Quotes From A Long Time Ago, Sorry

Yeah, well that rice tasted like a red, child-sized snow shovel.


What flavor?
Was I drunk?
Was I THERE?
Is this baby ugly?


Oh my god. I forgot I had a B.F.

Well let me just sum it up by saying at the end of this story, I was covered in blood.

Hey where did you get that awesome pink tie you bought me?

Either Carson's or Macy's. Why?

Because I might need a new one.

Oh. Did you lose it or was it injured?

Possibly stained. Used it as a tourniquet last night.

Excellent.

Whatcha doin?

I'm laying in bed...why?

I can't find the house. I can't see the green in the dark.

Oh, just going to buy some gold star stickers for a group project.
Do I even want to know why you need gold star stickers for a group project?
If I explained it, you would only be more confused. There are Yetis involved. And the Titanic. And the Gold Star Clause.
Yeah no I don't want to know.

A tin of wine from 1986? Okay.

I'm eating a giant Costco muffin with a fork and I keep stabbing through the paper with my fork and now I'm convinced I've eaten a bunch of little bits of paper. Could I just unwrap the muffin? Yes but that's not allowed. Seriously, have you ever seen me eat an Eggo waffle? There are rules that must be followed. You can't just unwrap a muffin. Don't even get me started with proper Skittles procedure.

In other news, second semester has started and I'm kind of strugglebussing a little bit with the transition back to regular college classes. What is this thing called "class"? Why don't I know every little thing that's going to happen within this "class" thing? What am I supposed to do with this random "time" between "class"? Where are all the tiny humans?

I've also forgotten how to read. Well, not all the way. I just forgot how to read things like articles and critical analyses of...stuff. Lemony Snicket's new book is pretty awesome, though.

Life update: I cut off and donated 15 inches of hair! It was ridiculous. It was time, though. It took me longer to tame it after I got out of the shower than it did to take a shower. Now I have bangs and no idea what to do with them.

Maybe I will post more now that I have a little bit of "time." Probably not, though. I'm not making any promises.

The Christmas letter post got the most views/clicks of any of my posts ever! So thank you to all you ridiculous readers that tuned in for the bonus online content! Do any of you want to come scrape Trudy for me? I hate winter.

Out-of-Context Quotes from Time that has Passed

NUMBER 21! I don't know his name right now but 21! THIS IS 21 LAND. SUCK IT.

I have a lot of lotions.

YOUR FACE IS RAINING INTO MY CUP.

Hey-a Joe-a! I cannot-a do 6. I can-a do 7.

Son offa bitch-a!

That Letter Thing

Hi. Here you go.

Page 1

Page 2

And the part you've all been waiting for...the Christmas Quotes that didn't pass quality control.

It's like a bedside conversion, you leathery bag of shit!

Dickweed. I'm pretty sure it's a spice.

No, that's dillweed. But good try.

What should I take a picture of first? The dark building? The empty parking lot? Or the invitation she showed me 5 minutes ago that I had to point to the part where it says "January 13, 2012" under Date?

"Where's the pear? We need to make more butts."

NO! My prints are on that!

Do you taste raspberry?

I taste the rabbit ass.

Hey thanks for the bed spoons, asshat.

Face your fears, bitch!

You're not using a bear attack to get out of this. No one's gonna believe that sh*t.

I'm going to strangle that freaking chipmunk.

Holy shit! WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING?!

That's too bad. I guess the only option is to burn it and start anew.

I'm not lighting the couch on fire because there was a f*cking spider near it!

It's contaminated. It's kind of your only option.

Kindly remove your paws from my boobs. Thanks.

Outtakes from the Santa Hat Pictures:

Happy 2013!

Is that Main Street? That's not good.

A Series of Short Stories Because I'm Tired.

What I learned today: never trust two directionally-challenged people to get somewhere using a map and "memorized" directions. Things will go horribly awry and there will be much swearing (and much rejoicing upon arrival).

Especially if one of those directionally-challenged people is me and I'm not wearing my glasses because I'm not driving but I can't really help read the street signs so I'm basically offering negative help because I don't know what direction we're headed as we drive into a setting sun.

I can't even really add any extra detail to this story because I'm not exactly sure where we ended up or how we got to the right place but the sun was shiny and also a little bit blurry and I was trying to read a map while also trying to NOT read a map so I wouldn't get motion sick.

But we made it! We weren't even super late or anything.

Sidebar: this is a conversation I had with one of my kids when he noticed I had become inexplicably taller.
Kid: Whoa.
Me: Whoa what?
Kid: You look like my mom with those boots!
Me: What does that even mean, Kid?
Kid: (quickly) Oh it's a good thing! They're cool! I'm not saying you're old because you're not I'm just...I'm gonna go sit down now.
Me: Probably a good choice, buddy. And tell your mom I said she looks 21 and has excellent taste in shoes.


Yes, both boots were the same color this time, BEX. I check at least twice every time I wear them now.

I taught Social Studies this week. I'm just gonna let that one sink in, Nack. It happened.


Out-of-Context Quotes from Some Time that Happened Earlier

"AAAHHH!"
"What are you doing?"
"...just...pouring some sugar..."
"Yeah? Where are you pouring it?"
"On the floor."

"We had a bunny for a few weeks!"
"What did you do with it?"
"We killed it."

"I need to stop looking at this while we're moving. I don't want to throw up."
"We've already had plenty of that today."

"Why is this important? Why would I even pick this to put up on the board?"
"Because you like to ask us really hard questions?"

Umm, Miss P? How do you spell antidisestablishmentarianism?

I KNOW I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE, OKAY. I'VE BEEN BUSY.

Also the title of this post is accurate. One of my kids actually asked me and was so excited I knew how to spell it that he wanted to look it up to make sure I was right. Then he wanted to quiz me on other crazy words but I convinced him that this one was just a lucky guess. Prefixes and suffixes, my friend.

Student teaching has been ama-za-zing to say the least. I have a series of unrelated anecdotes from the past few weeks.

Today I introduced a few students to my "special file." Which I also sometimes call my "rectangular storage device." A few of them had some old vocabulary flashcards that we didn't need anymore and asked me what they should do with them. Naturally, I told them I would put the cards into my special special file for them. Then I put them into the recycling bin. They were highly amused.

A few weeks ago I was making a poster of prefixes and suffixes for the classroom. I was sitting in the back of the room with a giant poster board, markers, a ruler, and a pencil. Needless to say I was in my happy place. It was full of words, straight lines, and colors. One of my kids came up to me and asked me something. I said, "I don't know, dude. I'm in my happy place of words and colors right now so I haven't been paying attention to what you guys are doing." At this point I had started to outline a bunch of stuff with a black Sharpie so it smelled Sharpie-y. 

Kid: Miss P, I think your happy place stinks.

Me: Did you just make a play on words?

Kid: A what?

Me: What did you mean when you told me my happy place stinks?

Kid: Well it smells like markers but also I don't think a real happy place would be prefixes and suffixes...

Me: So you meant two things with "stink"?

Kid: Yeah!

Me: High five, dude.

He's a superstar.

Out-of-Context Quotes from the Whole Thing

"Huh."

"How many times did we measure before we cut?"

"...the important thing is I have another piece of wood."

"Uhuh."

"Is he a counselor or an idiot?"

"Are those the only two options?"

"What does it taste like?"

"Like a burning popsicle."

It's like a snot roller coaster.

You're not using a bear attack to get out of this. No one's gonna believe that sh*t.

"Dickweed. I'm pretty sure it's a spice."

"No, that's dillweed. But good try."

Headlight Fluid

Today I went to Home Depot because I needed two 5-gallon buckets.

I grabbed two buckets and began walking toward the checkout. One of the employees asked if I needed any help or if he could help me find something. I said, "No, thanks. I'm just filtering my headlight fluid so I'm good" and held up the two buckets like, duh, I have everything I need right here.

He just kind of stared at me and his face looked like his brain was melting and screaming "DOES NOT COMPUTE." I thought it was pretty clear that if headlight fluid were a thing it would obviously need to be filtered. With two orange, 5-gallon buckets. Makes complete sense.

So he kind of walks away in a daze and I walk away too.

I arrive at the self-checkout. Another employee asks me if I found everything I needed. I decide I want to continue my reign as the Queen of Confusion and I said, "Yep! I'm filtering my headlight fluid and just needed 2 more buckets." He looked at me in approximately the same way the other guy did. His eyes didn't cross, though.

Then I hear laughter from behind me. There is a guy behind me who must have heard our exchange and realized what was going on. He wasn't even chuckling to himself; he was straight up lol-ing as if he had witnessed Nack falling down the stairs and yelling "COMIN' IN HOT!" The employee said, "You're doing WHAT?!" and I just smiled. He then realized I was full of shit.

The guy behind me was still laughing as the employee walked away. I turned to him and asked, "How did you know I was full of shit the first time?" He said, "Well, you're wearing a staff shirt from a day camp so I figured you must have a sense of humor in order to work at a camp all day." I told him he was exactly right and I left.

Heh heh.


Out-of-Context Quotes, Bitches

JESUS WANTS YOU TO SHUT UP

There's ants.
HAMMERS!

NO! My prints are on that!

...You guys said there was cider?

Wait, so where's that cider?

The Skunk Saga

I had to write something for one of my classes. That was our assignment- to just write something. There was no minimum length, no topic, no requirements other than we produce a piece of writing. I took that and ran with it and decided to rewrite the skunk saga from 2009. Enjoy.

It was the summer of 2009. My mother was taking Max, our dog, out for his nightly stroll when she saw some sort of movement near the front porch. She watched something with a dark, fluffy tail disappear into a small hole dug under the cement stoop on our front porch. The hole had always been there; it was dug by previous generations of chipmunks. We like chipmunks. Max likes to bark at them. Incessantly. When my mother saw the dark fluffy tail, though, she knew it wasn’t a chipmunk. What else could it have been? A black squirrel? Possibly, because we have both black and brown squirrels in our neighborhood. But squirrels don’t really burrow into holes. Was it a cat? Probably not. That hole wasn’t big enough for a cat. There was another option: a skunk. It could be a freaking skunk. A nasty, rabid, odorous, chipmunk-evicting polecat.

“Crap,” yelled my mother, as she walked in the house.

“What are you crapping about?” I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

“I think there’s a skunk under the porch.”

“Are you sure?”

“No.”

We both decided to look from the outside after we put Max inside so he wouldn’t scare the unidentified animal away. He’s a terrifying, twelve-pound Shih Tzu. We stared at the hole under the porch and just waited. Suddenly, a small nose peeked out. A small, pointed nose. A small, pointed, black nose. A small, pointed, black nose with a white stripe. Step one: verify identity. Check.

“Ok, well what’s Step Two?” I asked, “Panic?”

Surprisingly, we didn’t panic. My mother and I went back in the house, through the garage of course, and googled “skunk under porch” and waited to see what came up. The first item said, “skunks under a porch can be notoriously difficult to remove.” Fantastic. Not just difficult, but notoriously difficult. The other solutions mainly consisted of putting smelly things under there to try to drive the skunk away. That might not work if it was a female skunk with babies, though, as she would be protecting them. We weren’t about to make it worse by even considering the fact that it could have been a pregnant skunk.

We started trying some of the suggestions from the internet.

Rag soaked in bleach? Check. The skunk came back.

Sprinkling cayenne pepper all over the porch? Check. The skunk came back. And the squirrels were unhappy with that one too.

Cover the hole with rocks? Check. The skunk dug around them.

Fabulous.

Here’s where this story turns into a classic Principi-level fiasco.

We decided to ask my dad for some “chemical assistance.” He has a Masters in Chemistry and works for a pharmaceutical company so he knows some cool spells. Why anyone would want to get a degree in Chemistry, much less go for the Masters, is beyond me but we put his array of skills to good use. We still didn’t know whether we were dealing with a stubborn male skunk, a stubborn female skunk, or a stubborn, pregnant female skunk. We were not completely convinced the skunk wasn’t a pregnant female because she would not give up, but we had no way of finding out. So we waited for her to leave for the evening and decided to shove rags soaked with bleach and ammonia into the hole. Yes, we made chlorine gas. We waited until dark and watched the hole for signs that she had left. Skunks are huge partiers and leave home at dusk each night so we didn’t have to wait very long once it got dark. Around 9:30pm, she left and my parents brought out their supplies of horror: a gallon of bleach, a gallon of ammonia, a large rag, a broomstick handle, and a flashlight. My mother was in charge of the flashlight as she is not a chemist.

My dad put the rag in front of the hole and poured bleach on it. He began to pour on the ammonia while my mother helpfully shouted, “Hold your breath! Hold your breath!” He didn’t exactly remember to hold his breath and stumbled across the driveway coughing and retching. He may or may not have thrown up on the driveway. Yeah, he gassed himself a little bit.

Oh, did I mention throughout this whole gaseous kerfuffle my three guy friends and I were watching everything unfold from the front window? We laughed. A lot.

My parents collected their tools and went back into the house, hoping they didn’t see any tiny skunks emerging from the hole clutching their tiny throats and brandishing their tiny fists in anguish.

There was no movement, no screaming, no nothing. If there were baby skunks in there, my parents were now murderers. Whoops.

We checked the hole the next morning. There was a new hole dug on the side of the Rag of Possible Death. The skunk had come back, dug a new hole, and was now either inside laughing at us or hanging out somewhere outside where it was less stinky. We covered the new hole with mulch so we would know if she came or left.

The next day, there was nothing. The day after? Nothing. The mulch was left untouched. We win!

Then it was time to make cement. My parents bought a bag of instant cement from Home Depot, mixed it up, and closed the entire underside of the front stoop. If there was actually anything in there, it is now a sarcophagus. Sorry, chipmunks. You can go live under the back stoop.

The best part about this story?  It has an ambiguous ending. We were never sure if the skunk was male or female or whether there were actual skunk babies involved. It could have been a really determined skunk who wanted to live under the stoop and found ways around our other methods. Or, we killed a bunch of baby skunks. All I know is that skunk should be proud he or she made a chemist puke. When he came back inside after gassing himself, my dad said, “Uhh, when you guys leave, try to avoid the right side of the driveway. I threw up a little bit.”

Yes you did, Dad. But you also evicted a skunk in the most Principi-way possible.

DISCOMBOBULATED

It's the last "week" of classes and also the first part of finals "week." We have class today and tomorrow, Reading Day on Wednesday, and then finals on Thursday, Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. How nice.

Therefore, this will be a short post because I'm using it as a reward for getting stuff done. I'm also officially writing the Skunk Saga as an assignment for one of my classes (Pennie's class FTW) so I'll post that once I finish it. I have yet to start it. But the skunk(s) will have paws of fury.

I got cards from my childrens on my last day in my field placement. My favorite? The one that says "I will miss you" on the front with some really cool kind of abstract art. The inside? Blank. The back? Blank. Is there a name on it? No. I have no idea who it's from and there's only "I will miss you" written on the front. I love it.

We're getting ready to move out of our dorm and I've decided to make two lists.

Things I will miss about living in this dorm:
- The person that drives by every Saturday morning at 2:00am blasting Don't Stop Believin'. Every. Single. Saturday. It's one of my most favoritest things ever. It's probably lamppost-kicking guy* from freshman year who has moved on to bigger and louder things.
- Grandma-ing it in the back room. Kristen and I used to sit in lawn chairs (literal lawn chairs) in the back room and just watch the world go by out the window. We did this a lot when we were in Geology.
- Being able to walk inside to get to the coffee shoppe.
- Our poster shrines (House, Bones, Castle, Nathan Fillion, Doctor Who, miscellaneous)
- The Fail Wall
- The Drink Fridge and the Boy Fridge

Things I will not miss about living in this dorm:
- Sketchy water
- Sketchy hot water availability
- Clangy heat
- Kitchen on a different floor with zero counter space.
- The cable going out anytime the weather is anything other than sunny.
- Feeling like you're going to fall to your death when you lean back on your chair until you remember it rocks just enough to scare the crap out of you.
- Walking down the hallway to go potty.
- THE FERG CURSE.

I guess I should go back to doing work. I'll update the lists when I think of more things.

*Lamppost-kicking guy is a character from freshman year.  He was this guy that Yashka and I would watch from our window in Ferg. Most Saturdays in the early morning he would be walking back to the dorms and kick the lamppost outside the door repeatedly until it turned off. He used to do it ALL the TIME. We used to stay up just so we could watch him do it. We have no idea who he was, where he lived, or why he felt that he had to kick the light out every weekend but he did. The light would come back on like 10 minutes later but we don't think he knew that. It wasn't even angry kicking; he just kicked it until it went and then went on his merry way.

Out-of-Context Quotes from Whenever:

WINE GLASSES ARE MADE OUT OF BOOBS?!

Oh! My boobs are cold!
That's the first thing you noticed when you walked outside?

Oh, I get it. They lit the bed on fire. That's why they're sleeping in the chair.

I hate dick Fridays.

People? Are those people in the audience?
They're BABIES. TWINS. They're wearing diapers. THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T HAVE SHIRTS ON.

Look at us being healthy. I'm eating pistachios, you're eating almonds.
We're nuts.
100 points. I'm proud of you.

There were like four people with me in that cave that heard me!

I SAY You He Dead

I was going to write a Spring Break Wrap-Up (which would mostly be me doing things other than homework) but then Drippy the Chipmunk decided to be a butthead today so I'm gonna write about that first.

Drippy lives under the back stoop. He no longer lives under the front stoop because of reasons. This morning, Drippy decided he was going to sing his mating song. It's not a very good song. In fact, it's a little repetitive. He has been singing his song NONSTOP since 8am. It's noon. He is sitting ON the back stoop just singing his little heart out. If you make noise or make a big, scary, sudden movement, he'll run under the stoop. Then approximately a minute and a half later (we timed it a few times and took an average) he comes back out and continues his song.

My mother and I have been sitting on the porch and went in for lunch. After we ate, she stuck her hand in the bowl of walnuts and grabbed three.

"Uhh...are you planning to throw those walnuts at the chipmunk? Because I'm not sure that will be very effective."
She doesn't answer.

She walks outside. Drippy Pavarotti darts under the stoop. She sets the three walnuts in a line a few inches from Drippy's corner stage.

Approximately a minute and a half later, Drippy sticks his head out. We thought he would try to eat the nuts and they would be hard to open so he would stop chirping and focus on the walnuts. Not so much. He is now sticking his head out of the crack in the stoop. Singing his little song TO the walnuts.

Nack you, Drippy. Be happy you're not a skunk.

Transitionless Transition.

Now the 12:02pm alarm is going off and Drippy can hear it because the door is open. It's just a repetitive noise party over here.

Oh, I guess I should explain the 12:02pm alarm.

There's this watch. We don't know where it came from, whose it is, and why it's here but there's an alarm on this watch that goes off every afternoon at 12:02pm. This has been going on for YEARS. It took us a while to find the watch in the first place because the alarm only goes off for a minute and for a while it was really muffled. Kind of like that time there was the mystery alarm in Michigan. We finally found the watch but didn't turn off the alarm. I'm sure we could have figured it out but then I would miss the 12:02pm alarm. So we just keep moving it around the house.

It has been many places it shouldn't be. I have put it under Nack's pillow because sometimes he'll sleep past noon. But only two minutes past noon. Because of the 12:02pm alarm. It's currently in a basket in a cupboard in the family room. And it has been the 11:02pm alarm for the past few months because of Daylight Savings but now that we lost that precious hour last weekend, the alarm is back in its rightful 12:02pm timeslot.

I'm gonna be really sad when those batteries die.

Update: One of the walnuts is gone.

Out-of-Context-Quotes from Whenever

"They do cost an arm and a leg...BUT THEY COME IN COLORS!! OOOOOHH!"

"I'm going to strangle that freaking chipmunk."
"Jesus! How does that thing not run out of breath? It has, like, Michael Phelps lungs!"

"MAX! LET THE SQUIRRELS EAT THE BREAD CRUSTS! THEY ARE NOT USING BREAD TO MAKE BOMBS, THEY'RE EATING IT!"

"How do I change my text noise?"
"Like this. Do you want your old one back?"
"No, I want to go through all of them and pick the one that scares the dog the most."
"Crackberries don't have the doot-da-do. I already checked."
"Damn it!"

*Dog is staring creepily at Brian*
"Max! Stop staring at Brian like a stalker! You're creeping both of us out!"
"What does he want?"
"We don't know. Probably wants to lick your pants."

"I SOLVED THE 36 CUBE"
"I hate you."

"Also: I SOLVED THE MOFO 36 CUBE"
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

"I'm watching Sweet Genius and I definitely want to punch this guy in the face."
"I know! I want to bake him a poison cupcake."

"We got that spicy crab volcano roll."
"The one with the death sauce on top."

Scraps

I have a lot of stuff I need to accomplish in the next three weeks. Therefore, this will be a short post of short stories.

I wore one grey boot and one brown boot to give a campus tour on Saturday. I realized I was wearing two different colored boots when I was about 20 feet away from the door to the student center. I introduced myself by saying "Hi, I'm Molly. I'm a Junior and Elementary Ed. major and I'm wearing one brown boot and one grey boot today." As Trixie said, I'm just keeping things exciting.

I painted this Sunday. With my hands. We had to bring in at least two objects to paint with (other than paintbrushes). I brought a branch from a bush and a fork. I wasn't satisfied with either of those options so I used my hands. Much better. There's still paint under my nails. And on my feet. Because I'm pretty sure it's a rule that you can't paint with shoes on.

Bex and I were walking to Ames to get Trudy (mostly likely to go to Starbucks) and there was an incredibly loud crow yelling at us. I'm not sure why she was so unhappy with us. So I whipped out my air-hand-machine gun (the same one I use to shoot the dog) and made shooting noises and shot invisible bullets from my invisible gun at the visible bird. The bird immediately stopped yelling at us! But the guy who was walking by stared at me. He started staring when I began shooting at the bird and continued to stare at me after it worked. I didn't even run out of bullets and have to use my backup! He would have been so impressed. I think he was in awe of my great aim.

Out-of-Context Quotes

"Wait what's 565 + 565?"
"Doesn't matter it doesn't end in 9!"

"STREET THIS HOMEWRECKER SCOUNDREL!"

*Yashka watching Show*
OBAMA! NOT NOW!

"Yeah well my left leg is like a fencepost."
"Fencepost?"
"Fencepost. Yes, fencepost. Fencepost digger."

*Max barking in background*
"Oh, is there evil afoot?"
"Nah. Just squirrels."
"I'm surprised Maddi isn't helping him bark."
*Max stops barking*
*Maddi starts barking*
"YOU CAN'T BE BARKING AT ANYTHING, YOU IDIOT. YOU'RE SITTING IN FRONT OF A DOOR! MAX WAS AT LEAST LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW!"
"She hep."

STOP LICKING MY COUCH

Text conversation between me, Nack, and my mother. Nack was asking my mother to bring things to tech.

Nack to Mom's phone: and tweezers
Molly to Nack on Mom's phone: Where are they?
Nack to Molly's phone: Band of Brothers
Molly to Nack on Molly's phone: K. Wait, how did you know it was me answering you from Mom's phone?
Molly to Nack on Molly's phone: ...there's no tweezers in the Band of Brothers DVDs?
Nack to Molly's phone: It's all good.
Molly to Mom in person: What's all good? Does he not need the tweezers or does he not need Band of Brothers?
Mom to Molly in person: How is he going to watch Band of Brothers backstage?
Molly to Mom in person: Maybe he's lending it to someone? But the tweezers weren't in there!
Molly to Nack talking on the phone:
Molly: Okay so do you not need tweezers or do you not need Band of Brothers?
Nack: Why would I need Band of Brothers?
Molly: Because you texted me and said Band of Brothers.
Nack: That was from three hours ago?
Molly: Oh. I just got it now. Also, there's no tweezers in your Band of Brothers DVDs.
Nack:...why would there be?
Molly: I thought that's where you said they were. When you texted Mom and said tweezers, I got a text on my phone like a minute later that said Band of Brothers and I thought you knew it was me on Mom's phone and that was the location of the tweezers you needed. But there weren't any tweezers in there.
Nack: No...
Molly: So do you still need tweezers?
Nack: Nope. I got the splinter out.

Out of Context Quotes:

"Did we have a bath today? Did we get our paws washed with dish soap because we puked on them? Yes we did!"

"There are two distinct types of excrement in the backyard."

"Is this...is this ranch dressing in a plastic bag?"
"Yes, yes it is. And it's NOT even the grossest thing I did today."

Hi Lauren McG.

Today it is Friday NO SINGING

I just thought y'all should hear about my day. It was normal for me, which means it was mostly likely far from normal for anyone else.

Bex and I went to Starbucks. I had a free thing I needed to use (not that anyone ever needs a real reason for going to Starbucks). We realized we hadn't gone to Starbucks together since last semester and didn't know which cupholder should have which drink in Trudy. No one else may see this as a problem because most people will remember where they put their drinks. Not us. They have to be in the same cupholders every time because otherwise I will grab the one where mine should be and drink it while I'm driving. I don't look down; I just grab it and trust that it's there (insert your choice of dirty joke here). Also, I don't like change. We realized we didn't remember whose coffee went in front and whose went in back! There are only two cupholders in the front of the car and we managed to forget how to do it right! Strugglebus!

We figured it out once I grabbed the coffee while driving while not thinking about it. We were right. Whew.

Then I played the stacking things game while everyone else was at their 1pm class. I really should play the stacking things game alone because I can't play it quietly. I have to gasp and scream and swear at it. I really really can't stop and it's ridiculous because the game is SO STUPID and SO STRESSFUL AND I LOVE IT. All you do is stack shapes and have them hold for 10 seconds. But the game picks the size and order of the shapes and each level gets harder and sometimes you have to precariously stack rectangles on CIRCLES and then if any of the circles are off center then you're basically screwed because your whole freaking tower starts slowly moving and rolling on the stupid circles and then it all falls down and you have to yell DOUCHECANOE or BALLSANDWIENERS (Brian) or NO!NO!NONONONONOO! or FWEEZE, SYKKO (throwback to baby Nitty). Also the shapes have faces and when things start to tilt their happy faces turn into terrified faces and their mouths open like they're silently screaming as they fall to their untimely deaths. And they make noise when you set them down. The triangles are especially cute. This game is on addicttinggames if anyone wants to lose their sanity.

Then we played wallyball (walleyball?) with Kristen and Sam. Yay! Then Bex ran into the wall and hurt her previously-wonky shoulder. Un-yay! But then Kristen had a beautiful set right where I needed it and I took a full approach and hit the piss out the the ball! Yay! Then it hit the back wall and was out! Un-yay! But it was worth it. Except for the injury. But there's an app for that.

That app is Advil.

Then Bex and I had a Celine Dion listening party. In the shower. She brought her battery-operated iPod speakers into the bathroom and we listened to My Heart Will Go On. Sadly, no one came into the bathroom. Or maybe they heard the song and decided they could just hold it. Either way, it was totally awesome.

Then me, Bex, Sam, Yashka, and Divya went to the MALL to go SHOPPING because Yashka needed a dress for a dance tomorrow. She ended up with 2 shirts and no dress. I ended up with no new shoes because I have self-control, mother. We went to the smoothie place and I had flashbacks to Randhurst and it made me sad (Trixie).

Then we went to see the Upright Citizens Brigade! It was hi-freaking-larious. I heart improv. Then we walked back in the SNOW and it was cold and not fun. But then we convinced Yashu to try on her outfit for tomorrow and model it and I told her I wanted to look at her butt and she didn't want me to (as usual) and Bex is wearing my silver heels because they're AWESOME and we had an earring party. The end.

Out-of-Context Quotes:

"Yashu has a problem."

"Which one?"

"He looks like the lovechild of Andy from Parks and the Sauce Boss!"

Assume? Azzume. Azzume. NO, assume!

How was work? Was the dog farting?

Sad Christmas (Break is Over)

I woke up and went to an 8:30am class this morning. That was not fun.

Christmas Break Summary (divided into three equal pieces)

Week 1:
- Tutored a kid at my old grade school Monday-Thursday in the afternoons. Definitely had multiplication fact races and definitely got my ass kicked a few times...I was a little rusty.
- The QUAD and Sam and Shanay-nay came to my house and we made a ridiculous gingerbread house (complete with the eleventh doctor and a fail-roof).
- Skyscraper (Holiday Edition) happened. If you want to hear it, ask for the file.
- Mischka (I'm sad Mischka didn't stick) and I went to Bex's for candymaking! An excellent weekend full of cats, candy, and the circle of death!

Week 2:
- Florida for 3 and half days with two of my cousin-sisters (the third came the day after I left SADNESS), their Moooooooom (said like it should be) and my grandparents! We laid in the sun and read and talked and ate. And that was about it. T'was wonderful and full of sunshine and happiness.
- Michigan for 2 or 3 days (math is hard) for Christmas! Incredible weather difference. Still full of happiness, but it was chilled happiness.

Week 3:
- Returned from Michigan!
- Pouted about having to go back to school on the 3rd because classes started the 4th!
- Sent a Christmas text. It said "Merry Christmas to all my sexy, beautiful, or strange peoples. Pick whatever adjective you want. Sexys, you know who you are." Every single person who answered picked sexy.
- ...I'm not really sure what I did during Week 3 other than pout, watch NCIS on USA and hang out with two of my most favorite sexys ever.
- Won the Point Leader trophy in my Fantasy Football league! Then I was sad when I found out I don't get an actual trophy in the mail from the NFL. IT LOOKED SO SHINY.
- Did not go to the playoffs in my Fantasy Football league. It was a fluke. It should have been you and I, Brian. It would have been a bloodbath.


Miscellaneous Events that Occurred Sometime in the Past Month
- Played the Game of Things. Holy AMAZING. One of my top 5 favorite games ever. But it totally depends on the people you play with and how well you know them. There were six of us playing and we all knew each other really well (Buhbuh counts because he and the other boys had the vehicular connection) and we all have a really twisted, dirty, incredible sense of humor (some more than others) and after a while there was no way anyone could possibly know who said what. Secretaries.
- Anti-Christmas Trixmas cookies on Trixmas. No explanation available.
- Played the Game of Things AGAIN. This time with five of us. It still worked. Still one of the best games ever. Secretaries.
- Driving in the snow. Took 4 hours to get home. Worth it.
- Retired Tiva. Acquired Dos Tiva. Tiva lives on at home as a desktop because she stopped believing she was a laptop. That was less than optimal.

People I was Mistaken for:
- My cousin's sister (who was singing in the choir)
- My brother's girlfriend (who was not present)
- Brian's sister (who I do not look like at ALL)
- An intruder (damn dog I CAN GO TO BED WHENEVER I WANT TO I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ASLEEP YOU'RE IN MY DAMN SPOT ON THE BED GET YOUR HEAD OFF MY PILLOW)
- My mother (who I apparently look like but not really because my hair is about a foot and a half longer)


Out-of-Context Quotes from However Long it has been Since I Last Posted:

*faint vaccuuming*
"Do you hear music playing? I wonder if it's someone above us."
"No...I hear a vaccuum?"
"Maybe that was it."
"...what the hell kind of music do you listen to?!"

Things you can't stop.
Believin'.

What should I take a picture of first? The dark building? The empty parking lot? Or the invitation she showed me 5 minutes ago that I had to point to the part where it says "January 13, 2012" under Date?

"What is it?"
"It's Apples to Apples in a can, duh!"

"Where's the pear? We need to make more butts."

"I see you traded your names for ovaries."

Florida: it's either about poop or the end of the world

It's time.

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And here's your bonus content!

Profanity-laden Inappropriate Christmas Quotes (that didn't make the cut)

Dad: My butt hurts.

Molly: Need a (Bengay) patch?

Dad: HELL NO!

Mom: Rectum, hell, nearly killed him!


She went to Costco and bought paper towels instead of toilet paper. So now we have paper towels coming out our asses and no toilet paper to wipe them with!


It was like a f***ing rainstick of rosary beads!

I should just go without brushing my teeth. F*** them! LOOK AT MY CORN TEETH, BITCHES.

That’s not manure. Someone stockpiled ASS.

Would it help if I shit on your lap?

STOP HOOKING SHIT ON YOUR PANTS!

Wonder bread? What the OH TATAS!

Mother, I am NOT sexting you.

Drugs. How nice!

No more burritos!

Why?

I had to take a walk. Because I couldn't stop farting.

You were farting so much you had to leave?

Yes. Also because of the intensity.

Holy shit.

Almost.

Bonus pictures!

These peeps were a minimum of 2 years old. So we put them into marshmallows we were melting for Rice Krispie treats. They look like they're drowning. In marshmallows, no one can hear you scream!

Also, this happened. Nack is in the process of falling out of the tree.

This is the dog laying in the sun. With his giant pink wiener.

And here's the Santa hat picture from last year. Because it's still ridiculous.

Here is another bonus (I'm just filled with bonii (bonuses? I like bonii). I will give a background story for up to three (3) Christmas Quotes from either the actual letter or the bonus Profanity-laden Inappropriate Christmas Quotes. You just have to ask nicely and answer the following ridiculous questions. Answer in a comment or on Facebook. Leave your answers and your background requests. The three quotes with the most requests will be 'splained.

1) What is my favorite color?

2) What is the dog's feminine protection-related nickname?

3) The basement steps are 

    a) floral

    b) treacherous

    c) cursed

    d) all of the above

Bonus bonus: If you answer the following question, I will give you an explanation of anything from the letter (that is not currently under litigation) and it won't count toward your final grade or the three (3) Quote explanations.

Short Answer

Pick from the following lead (or important) characters, or choose one of equal or similar merit, and explain why he or she is the best character. Extra credit will be awarded for relevant, obscure TV references made within your essay. No bashing other characters without specific evidence of why they suck. Choose your own criteria. (Ex. prettiness, badassness, girl power-ness, funniness, overall awesomeness, etc.) There is no minimum length; you're done when you feel like you've answered the question.

Kate Beckett                               Richard Castle                              

Leroy Jethro Gibbs                      Seeley Booth

Lisa Cuddy                                  Gregory House

Temperance Brennan                   Ziva David                                

                               

  

=D

We're gonna need a bowl of wine and 3 bendy straws.

It's Christmas break, people. I am happy. Even though I have to go back on the third (yes, January 3rd) while everyone else gets to dick around until late January, (not bitter) (okay, maybe a little bitter) (FINE, I'M BITTER) it's still Christmas break! There is a lot of couch that needs to get warmed by my ass. And lots of bad fanfiction that needs to be read and posted on Bex's wall. And lots of naps to be taken with the dog. And lots of food to be eaten sans dog. 

Sidebar: The dog really likes cheese popcorn.

I'm writing this post to get y'all excited about this year's letter. I will be posting the original online. I will also be posting BONUS CONTENT.

Online-exclusive content will include:

- Inappropriate Christmas Quotes

- Profane Christmas Quotes

- Bonus pictures

- Bonus stories

Get excited.

Out-of-Context Quotes from the Past Few Days:

"Why are there penis slices all over the room?"

"No, it's green. Make it less, yes?"

"Hey do you have any Q-tips with you?"

"...why?"

"I'm wondering if my ears are bleeding."

"I found the other rawhide."

"Where was it?"

"Not sure where it was originally but I found it in my hair this morning."

"Whitney called. She asked if it was you. I said yes. It's just easier that way."

"Umm...I don't have my glasses OR my license. Maybe someone else should drive."

"Would you wear flannel boxers? They're really soft."

"Probably?"

"Good. Because I already bought them."